Sunday, November 30, 2008

Starting to pack and plan my escape from Surprize!

Day 124 and I survived my ass falling off on Thanksgiving by picking it up, dusting it off, putting it in a paper bag and taking it to an NA meeting then going to McCormick and Schmick's with my sponsor for two "single guy Thanksgiving specials" and washed it down with a big glass of milk and all was well with my world as I know it once again. Then I spent yesterday afternoon meeting with some fellow members of my new 501(c)(3) non-profit expressive art therapy project down on Roosevelt Row looking at buildings and coming up with a target area of where we want to be located. Then in the late afternoon I met up for coffee with a gal pal of mine who wound up going with me to my weekly alumni group meeting out at The Sundance Center. Afterwards we went out for matching his and her crocks of French onion soup at Mimi's Cafe the out to the El Chorro Lodge for coffee and a little slow dancing on the patio under the stars which was quite a nice way to spend Black Friday.

I must admit that it was nice to have a beautiful woman in my arms again and slow dancing to all the standard "Rat Pack" tunes but walking her to her door and kissing her lightly on her cheek and locking her within the safe confines of her condo for the night was totally a new experience for this old horndog currenltly celibate by choice. This whole "celibacy deal" that I've been struggling with on a daily basis and going out on platonic dates with drop dead gorgeous women is a bit akin to me locking myself in a Motel 6 with a quarter ounce of meth, an eightball of crack , two fifths of Crown Royal and attempting to work on my 4th step and reading the Big Book without touhing any of it but I had a wonderful evening and I was able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror this morning so that is a good thing....I guess....LOL

So now I have a ton on my plate with getting the non-profit set up asap so I can hopefully get out and beat the streets for endowments, grants and donations to get it funded, lease a building and start hiring staff before the end of the year now just a scant 30 days away all at the same time I'm looking for a new personal residence, pack and move as close to the center of Phoenix as possible on or before December 15th when my lease out here on the edge of civilization expires and my rent shoots up from $725 to $1,100 because all the "snowbirds" come out from the ice pack states like the swallows annual return to Capistrano. No great loss there as I hate the cultural, architectural, political and just about every other type of vacuum that exists out here but I'm sitting here with a mere c-note left in my jeans, one carton of smokes, two months upside down on car payments (but it is now insured!) and just enough gas for my daily trips back and forth to my po box to look for the check that's been "in the mail" to me from my one and only social media marketing client that's been on it's way now for oh, about 9 weeks now and trying not to panic and starting to park my car in different places at night to hide it from the repo man who's already starting to call my brother up in Sonoma County looking for me as he's listed as my next of kin on my car loan application. My next address just might be my license plate number if you catch my drift but I ain't sweating just quite yet. That in itself is a tad bit worrysome however I'll discuss that with my therapist on Tuesday right before I hand her that last c-note and go pawn my watch.

It's "rough out here I tell ya!" but what else can I do? Going backwards is not even an option so I have to keep rowing this boat forward even though it continues to be sinking faster than it's moving ahead but that's what it's all about I'm coming to realize. There is no deserted island paradise to row to with my Bukowski book and Miles Davis CD populated with brown skinned, post-pubescent, nymphomanics in heat. There's just this endless rowing.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

My ass fell off today....

Today is 121 days clean for me and it's been a very hard day for me since it's also the 6th anniversary of the day I brought my Pop home from the hospital after his stroke and began my journey as his caregiver and the first Thankgiving without being by his side on this special day as he lies in a hospice in Upstate NY and I sit alone in little furnished studio on the edge of the open desert feeling sorry for myself most of the day unable to get my skinny ass out of bed or stop crying until 5:00 this afternoon until I got a text message from my sponsor, Mike N. to write a list of 10 things that I was thankful for today so I am going to get in the shower, shave and drag my ass to the 7:00 NA meeting at the N. Scottsdale Fellowship after I write and share that list here with you:

I am thankful for:

1) Being 121 days clean, alive, and unicarcerated.

2) Having a roof over my head and food in my fridge.

3) Having a new source of of subsistence level income from my hard negotiated contract with Hythiam, Inc which was finialized this week.

4) Having the ability to talk to and help three people today who are newer to sobriety than I am.

5) Having the continued support from many people in the program as well as my professional counselors like Paula Artac, Annette Pucia, Kirby Maus and Ana Gomez.

6) Knowing that when I walk in that door in one hour at the fellowship hall that someone will be there who has walked the same walk I have and that the lights will be on.

7) That my vision of creating a 501(c)(3) nonprofit art therapy program and foundation for recovering addicts is now a reality as of two days ago and that we're now in early lease negotiations for our own building in the Roosevelt Row arts and cultural district.

8) That my lifelong dream of a career in politics to make a difference in this world is one step closer to becoming a reality and that I'm in the final consideration to receive a fellowship ino the 2009 program at The Center for Progressive Leadership.

9) Having a sponsor like Mike N. who seems to know exactly what I need to do and the exact time I need to do it and be willing to gudie me through it no matter what.

10) Having a higher power in my life who loves me unconditionally and gives me the strength at times such as this when my ass falls off to quite simply bend over, wash it off, put it in a bag and take it to a meeting!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am truly blessed today!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The story of my life...

Towering Fool (Warren Haynes) Buzzard Rock Music (BMI)

Yeah, somebody somewhere must have hurt you
You must have been really abused
A victim of your raising
Isn't that your excuse
Towering Fool

In a dream I watched you inflict yourself
On everyone within reach
Now frozen in time I see it still
Like a movie
How long has it been since you shook the hand
Of those who fell under your feet
And how long has it been since you washed yours clean
From the blood and the dirt of the street
Did you really think you could just fly away
Fly right out of those blues
Did you towering fool

Don't you know greatness comes to those who can hold it
Did it slip right through your hands
Did it brush your sleeve as it passed you by
Do you compare yourself now to then

All this pent up anger
Don't you feel alone ranger
Don't you towering fool
So you use every ounce of your energy
To keep those around you down
But there is a tear in the eye of the ring master
And a smile on the face of the clown

Yeah, you couldn't see through your own arrogance
To what the whole world already knew
You had to keep pushing it past the point
Till it all crumbled down on you
Didn't you towering fool

Saturday, November 8, 2008

102 Days and a very good week....

Well, I crossed the 100 day hurdle on Thursday and am feeling stronger and stronger in my sobriety and have had many very good things happen this week. First and foremost I received a call from my missing friend I was worried about last week stating that he was out of the country and that he's still sober and doing well! Whew! Tuesday's election was a mixed bag of wins & losses for the four campaigns I was working for this election season so I batted .500 Tuesday evening with Barack Obama winning the Presidential race and Harry Mitchell winning relection to Congress although Tim Nelson lost his bid for Maricopa Couny Attorney and Dan Saban lost his bid for Maricopa County Sheriff and I attended the Obama victory celebration downtown at the Wyndham Hotel then Harry Mitchell's out in Tempe at the Fiesta Resort. My grassroots political group, Code Blue Arizona now has 39 members and will continue on to assist the Arizona Democratic Party spread news and events between election initiatives.

Last but not least I put together a last minute opening exhibit for last night's "First Friday Artwalk" down on Roosevelt Row for Rehab Arts Studio and Foundation at the kollectiv art and design group gallery featuring Paula Artac's and Diane Dillon's work and it went very well and was attended by an overwhelming number of several hundred visitors and I'm very pleased,humbled and encouraged by how well this first event went and have already posted our next exhibit which will feature the works of local artist in recovery Roger Erby as well as my own photography exhibit and I hope that some of you can attend. I realize that these "First Friday" events are in conflict with the Sundance Alumni meetings on Friday evenings but the exhibit hours run from 6:00pm until 10:00pm so there's plenty of time for you to attend the alumni group then come on down before we close and I can't tell you how much I'd love to have some of you to come down!

Here is a link to the December event information. That's about all I have to report for now. Have a great week and I'll see some of you at the N. Scottsdale Fellowship NA meeting this week!