First Song - Charlie Hayden

Aging in high speed mode

Getting outta Dodge....Now

The past 24 hrs has proven to myself that I've truly reached new depths of self degradation as the blur of negative behaviors and associated is like a cacophony of depravity with many old and new characters whom only serve to reflect their own inner pain into mine which doesn't need any assistance at this point. I visited a deadly and lascivious old succubus drug of choice from the past today as I bought myself some grave site bouquets and used them in a back alley room with all light sources card boarded out with a veteran soldier of Ollie North's gift to the ghettos of our land....once the biggest of them all now only a shell of it's former glory much as those left still using it....was a trip down bad memory lane and actually served to only reconfirm that even after a decade or so of dormancy the gorilla's been back there doing push ups all along.

Visited with a new positive and understanding friend who fed me and listened and cared what I had to say which was pure heaven and proof there there is yet hope for a new life so thanks to the tuna wielding bright spot of the day....can't promise anything other than continued mutual admiration at this juncture but you , the critters and meal preparation reviews were all very positive and appreciated.

So a surprising call last night...

I was wondering could I borrow your car tomorrow?

You mean the one I live in?

One Week Ago This Evening My Life Changed

I for the first time in my life suffered a brain seizure while at home, no warning, no precursor in my 52 years of living. Rushed to one hospital via paramedics, CT Scans, xrays, liver panels and other tests came up blank. Then I volunteered a history of substance abuse (none in almost a week prior to occurrence) and the entire level of treatment went through the floor at the 1st hospital. So badly was I treated by this ignorant "PA" that I threatened to hurt him if he did not release me "AMA" immediately...more later...very catch as catch can right now living a mobile life now homeless and living in my car, Kinkos and all night restaurants which there aren't many in Phoenix....every notice that? Been one hell of a week.

She Said....for Lisa

She said "I know what it's like to be dead.

I know what it is to be sad"

And she's making me feel like I've never been born.

I said "Who put all those things in your head?

Things that make me feel that I'm mad

And you're making me feel like I've never been born."

She said "you don't understand what I said"

I said "No, no, no, you're wrong"

When I was a boy everything was right

Everything was right

I said "Even though you know what you know

I know that I'm ready to leave

'Cause you're making me feel like I've never been born."

She said "you don't understand what I said"

I said "No, no, no, you're wrong"

When I was a boy everything was right

Everything was right

I said "Even though you know what you know

I know that I'm ready to leave

'Cause you're making me feel like I've never been born."

She said , she said "I know what it's like to be dead"

("I know what it's like to be dead")

I know what it is to be sad...

Life Before Insanity

All I see are faces, a sea of faces

Surrounded by the memory of life before insanity

Hard to explain the hunger, if you don't feel it

What I really need is your breath raining on my skin

And I'm so tired, tired of feeling sorry for myself

And I want more

All I feel are clouds, surrounded by clouds

Yesterday's anger is the sadness of today

Our lives were filled with summer and laughter

Now our smiles are grey

Once I held you close, now my thoughts just drift like the wind

Can you feel it, can you feel it

Can you feel it, can you feel it

Coming down

And I'm so tired, tired of feeling sorry for myself

And I want more, got me wanting more

Night keep falling, and the wind keep calling my name

All I see are faces, a sea of faces

Surrounded by the memory of life before insanity

Hard to explain the hunger, if you don't feel it

What I really need is your breath raining on my skin

If it weren't obvious to anyone out there...

...I'm tore up and badly mangled and just made the decision to once again check-in to the VA for medical and mental help. See ya when I swing around the dark side of the moon.

Spring 2011 - This is not my beautiful life!

The first thing that occurs to one in the midst of a cathartic period of reflection is that they are living some sort of life that is not by choice. Perhaps by initial choice but somewhere along the line the lifestyle takes over on autopilot and after a while the person gets a minute to reflect upon what it was they had indented and compare it to what's currently going on and sees a vast difference almost as if they were walking around, living and experiencing someone else's life. It is only when the two existences become so diametrically opposed to one another that the individual can no longer continue on without a period of deep reflection in order to set a new marker buoy to place out there to set course toward and adjust the tack on their rudder towards the new destination...