Saturday, December 29, 2012

Sunsets Change To Sunrises and I Move Again

Monday is  New Year's Eve and the new year will see me moving from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA to Las Vegas, NV, the place I've always felt pulling me but I've feared as a highly likely place of my final demise from my tendency to embrace life on the outside edge of the rails at high speeds. I say WTF and what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger and I can think of no place else which will challenge me to the max and can be my biggest challenge to concur yet so it's on come Tuesday!
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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Point Blank - PHX

Bruce Springsteen - Point Blank Lyrics

Album: The River
Genre: Rock
Do you still say your prayers little darlin' do you go to bed at night
Prayin' that tomorrow, everything will be alright
But tommorow's fall in number in number one by one
You wake up and you're dying you don't even know what from

Well they shot you point blank you been shot in the back
Baby point blank you been fooled this time little girl that's a fact
Right between the eyes baby, point blank right between the pretty lies that
They tell
Little girl you fell

You grew up where young girls they grow up fast
You took what you were handed and left behind what was asked
But what they asked baby wasn't right you didn't have to live that life
I was gonna be your romeo you were gonna be my juliet
These days you don't wait on romeo's you wait on that welfare check and on all the pretty things tha

That always end up point blank, shot between the eyes
Point blank like little white lies you tell to ease the pain
You're walkin' in the sights, girl of point blank
And it's one false move and baby the lights go out

Once I dreamed we were together again baby you and me
Back home in those old clubs the way we used to be
We were standin' at the bar it was hard to hear
The band was playin' loud and you were shoutin' somethin' in my ear
You pulled my jacket off and as the drummer counted four
You grabbed my hand and pulled me out on the floor
You just stood there and held me, then you started dancin' slow
And as I pulled you tighter I swore I'd never let you go

Well I saw you last night down on the avenue
Your face was in the shadows but I knew that it was you
You were standin' in the doorway out of the rain
You didn't answer when I called out your name
You just turned, and then you looked away like just another stranger waitin' to get blown away

Point blank, right between the eyes
Point blank, right between the pretty lies you fell
Point blank, shot right through the heart

Yea point blank, you've been twisted up till you've become just another part of it
Point blank, you're walkin' in the sights
Point blank, livin' one false move just one false move away
Point blank, they caught you in their sights
Point blank, did you forget how to love, girl, did you forget how to fight
Point blank they must have shot you in the head
Cause point blank, bang bang baby you're dead

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Saturday, October 27, 2012

A Big Old Mortality 2x4 my older sister is in life threatening state in the hospital back east now for two weeks with cellulitis which has turned into a staff infection of her blood, spinal meningitis and also type 2 diabetes and from all reports pretty despondent. As if that wasn't enough my eldest brother who had prostate cancer and surgury five years ago has discovered hit has metastasized into his hip and has a psa of over 700 and seeking experimental treatment abroad. I just lost Pop it can't be time to lose either one but *WHAP* guess what?

The old mortality 2x4 just smacked me upside the head...of course they could go I pray to an unknown God that it's not but if I left it up to him/her/it they'd probably already been gone....last I heard no body's actually proved the existence of anything but death that happens to us all. Some days I like to kid myself and say I'm ready now....done all, seen all, been all I could possibly do, see or be but that's bullshit. Well I wish them well on their paths...thank them for being a part of my life and say fight or no fight is a personal choice and one we must all make alone.I hope you both get a chance to sprinkle my ashes down some sleazy alley behind a whore house when my time comes but just in case not I think I'll tell you both now while you can read this....thanks and in round two YOU get to sit in the middle with the "hump"!

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Friday, September 28, 2012

No Fear....No Hesitation

So I'm in what I refer to as "shark mode" which is a protective mode where I rip through days and even weeks in one big blur. Time is suspended as are most colors as if I'm watching a black and white film of my life in fast forward. I am on emotions, no recognition of other's emotions just a flatime hum of existence. I had an incredibly productive week yet it wasn't of my doing...I simply watched it occur and literally sat in front of this laptop in the dining room of Kjell's condo at the coast...eating once in a while but coming to with my face in the keyboard about once every 48-72 hrs having no recollection of what I was doing prior to passing out until I look at my browsing history....stay away...I'm in shark mode and not accountable for my actions...please stay away....

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Somewhere I Belong

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I?m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I?ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I?ve got nothing to say I can?t believe I didn?t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it?s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ?Cause I can?t justify way everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone [From: ] And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong I will never know Myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel Anything else until my wounds are healed I will never be Anything till I break away from me I will break away I'll find myself today I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Voodoo Doll

So "she" keeps a little voodoo doll of me in her closet and sticks pins in it whenever she wants to blame me for some inadequacy or pain in her life. I went back last weekend and visited...I know...she came over here a few weeks ago and we spent on night together and she told me afterward that she finally had her "closure" and could move on without animosity. Well, that obviously was not the case because this evening I get a text early in the evening stating:

Hope you are enjoying your evening. I'm about ready to throw up as I'm on my way out on a blind date. I can't sit at home forever. (it's been three days since I left mind you) Damn you for leaving me after three years.
Then a few hours later this comes in:

You may feel some pain somewhere on your body. I'm afraid another pin is going in the you doll for tonight. Yes, it's sick and twisted but I just feel I must do it. Sorry. 

Whatever, but it does make me curious as to how long she will go through life blaming me for every bad blind date.
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A turning point in my catharsis

It's been almost 11 years since this journey began and the past three have been tumultous to the point of insanity but this evening I drove up to visit a woman friend of mine who is a healer named Luce and she know right away what I needed and she did a series of readings with me and provided the answers to questions I already knew but she was so accurate on everything that her validation served to set my resolve in concrete...I am on the right path and will undergo as series of life changing events from now through next spring and be the events of my lifetime to a point where I will FINALLY know peace within myself for the first time in my life. So to Luce my muse, healer, guide and friend I say thank you for giving me more clarity of thought and purpose than I thought was ever possible ~ Namaste

Friday, August 10, 2012

How long has it been?

How many times have I apologized for inflicting pain I never threw at you? How many ways can I attempt to leave without hurting you? It is impossible for me to do so and it breaks my heart to break yours. You say I have no heart but trust me I feel every lie I have told you in it. I don't really know the lies from the truth any more. Are my dreams reality and my days my dreams? I don't fucking know, nor do I really care. I know I loved you as deep and as long as I was capable of doing. I still do today and all ways will. Same to the rest of you out there, you are no different and I kiss the wind in your paths. I'm nearing the last round of this race and feel it clear as the door you all slammed at my back once so long ago. There is no shame in self knowledge, the shame is in attempting to change what is at one's core. I am pretty much ok with my accounting of emotional battles won and lost thus far and concede I could have been a better closer in the end with everyone yet so could we all and I grant you absolution, your bill is paid up with me, no score to settle no more. Go in peace, I bid you adieu, farewell and nevermore. I will think of you often and fondly as you were in my our beginning before all the hurt and discomfort and plausible lies....

Sorry but it is my way and trust me it's not an easy path.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

NYC Man...Blink Your Eyes And I'll Be Gone

It can only lead to trouble if you break my heart
If you accidentally crush it on the ides of March
I'd prefer you were straight forward
You don't have to go through all of that
I'm a New York city man, baby
Say "go" and that is that
New York city man, you just say "go" and that is that
I'm a New York city man, you just say "go" and that is that
It's far too complicated to make up a lie
That you'd have to remember and really why
I wouldn't want to be around you
If you don't want to have me around
I'm a M-A-N-N man
Slink your eyes and I'll gone
I'm a M-A-N-N man, slink your eyes, honey, I love you, and I'll gone
New York city man, slink your eyes and I'll gone
Brutus made a pretty speech but Caesar was betrayed
Lady Macbeth went crazy but Macbeth ended slain
Ophelia and Desdamona dead leaving Hamlet in a play
[- From : -]
But I'm no Lear with blinded eyes
Say " go " and I am gone
The stars have shut their eyes up tight
The earth has changed it's course
A Kingdom sits on a black knight's back
As he tries to mount a white jeweled horse
While a clock full of butterflies on the hour
Releases a thousand moths
You say " leave" and I'll be gone
Without any remorse
No letters faxes phones or tears
There's a difference between
Bad and worse
I'm a New York city man, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
New York city - man, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
New York city, I love you, New York city man
New York city, I love you, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
Just a little grain of sand
New York city, ooohhh, I love you
New York city, baby, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
I love you

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Goodbye Old was an adventure!

Today you lost me and I lost compromise possible...
We shall survive and I wish you well, no, really I do...
Our love was a fireball on wheels...destined to explode...
As is a song I heard, that's what you get when you cross a hurricane & a tornado...
I will remember you well and file them in the memory motel of my life...
We managed to play and eat cake till we got sick...
No future in it and now we're both slaves to our respective masters...
We both should have been born into a royal life...gentry at the least...
Please try to see that I bode you no malice...never a thought in my head...
I just never did anything quite fast enough for you...although always done in the end...
These will be years I'll remember, but not through tears...they serve no purpose...
A blind date that lasted almost three years...
I miss you already, but you've been gone now quite a while...
The fly was generous to us in the end and gave us five weeks of blissful connection...
More than some ever get...and then it all came down and the wind blew westward...
You know where I'm to be found... Just across the river, through the desert and down a hill there's an oasis...
It will be the last resting spot of this now very old soul...
Who will spend his days remembering...Fourth of Julys and Sundays...
And smile....