No Fear....No Hesitation

So I'm in what I refer to as "shark mode" which is a protective mode where I rip through days and even weeks in one big blur. Time is suspended as are most colors as if I'm watching a black and white film of my life in fast forward. I am on autopilot...no emotions, no recognition of other's emotions just a flatime hum of existence. I had an incredibly productive week yet it wasn't of my doing...I simply watched it occur and literally sat in front of this laptop in the dining room of Kjell's condo at the coast...eating once in a while but coming to with my face in the keyboard about once every 48-72 hrs having no recollection of what I was doing prior to passing out until I look at my browsing history....stay away...I'm in shark mode and not accountable for my actions...please stay away....

Somewhere I Belong

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I?m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I?ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I?ve got nothing to say I can?t believe I didn?t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it?s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ?Cause I can?t justify way everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone [From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/linkin-park-lyrics/somewhere-i-belong-lyrics.html ] And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong I will never know Myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel Anything else until my wounds are healed I will never be Anything till I break away from me I will break away I'll find myself today I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

Voodoo Doll

So "she" keeps a little voodoo doll of me in her closet and sticks pins in it whenever she wants to blame me for some inadequacy or pain in her life. I went back last weekend and visited...I know...she came over here a few weeks ago and we spent on night together and she told me afterward that she finally had her "closure" and could move on without animosity. Well, that obviously was not the case because this evening I get a text early in the evening stating:

Hope you are enjoying your evening. I'm about ready to throw up as I'm on my way out on a blind date. I can't sit at home forever. (it's been three days since I left mind you) Damn you for leaving me after three years.

Then a few hours later this comes in:

You may feel some pain somewhere on your body. I'm afraid another pin is going in the you doll for tonight. Yes, it's sick and twisted but I just feel I must do it. Sorry. 

Whatever, but it does make me curious as to how long she will go through life blaming me for every bad blind date.