For Donna

I'll be your mirror Reflect what you are, in case you don't know I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset The light on your door to show that you're home When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you I find it hard to believe you don't know The beauty that you are But if you don't let me be your eyes A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you I'll be your mirror

Tonight I reunited with my 17 year old heart....39 years after I lost it.

Tonight I talked to the object of my teenage desires after nearly forty years and we laughed and cried for about three hours worth of text messaging where I confessed my secret to her. I even confessed about why I was always dropping pencils in any class we shared and we caught up on the events, triumphs and tragedies that we've both endured over the past four decades and I have to say that it was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life for it allowed me to feel my heart at 17 again, if only for a moment or two, if only in a brief connection with myself so long ago and far away down this rocky path I've been on so long I nearly had snuffed out every drop of simple, pure and innocent emotion out of what has long ago turned into a hardened, leathery, black and barely functional pump failing to keep up with all the junk that's been tossed into the aquarium of my soul.

What, if anything, becomes of it will be seen I guess but the first love of my life came back after forty years I'd like to think because her heart could sense mine was on it's last gasp and sputtering out into darkness forever as should be evident to any readers of earlier posts in this blog. This ship was listing hard to starbord and drowning in the murky green ooze of it's own self abuse all these years and our talk served to flip the switch back on to the pump and it's a little bit cleaner than it was yesterday and I got to feel that young, dumb and full of....you know...heart of my youth long forgotten but happily not gone (yet). I found this quote and now dedicate it to the first, young love of this aging old man's life....Lucille

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I found no rejection, I choose to love you in my dreams, for in my dreams no one owns you but me.

This is Hardcore

Ahhhh will be the death of me....

I spend all my money on a big ol' fancy car

For these bright eyed honeys

Oh yeah, you know who you are




Keep me up 'til the sun is high

'Til the birds start calling my name

I'm addicted and I don't know why

Guess I've always been this way




All these roads steer me wrong

But I still drive them all night long, all night long









All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You'll be the death of me, the death of me




All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I'll always come back to you, come back to you




I get lost under these lights

I get lost in the words I say

Start believing my own lies

Like everything will be okay




Oh, I still dream of a simple life

Boy meets girl, makes her his wife

But love don't exist when you live like this

That much I know, yes, I know




All these roads steer me wrong

But I still drive them all night long, all night long




All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You'll be the death of me, the death of me




All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I'll always come back to you, come back to you




You, you

You, you, you

Yeah, you, you, you

You, you, you




All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You'll be the death of me, the death of me




All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I'll always come back to you, come back to you

Mose at 4:18 am....

If you would be so kind To help me find my mind I'd like to thank you in advance Know this before we start My soul's been torn apart I lost my mind in a wild romance. My future is my past, My memories will last, I've learned to love the days gone by. Each day that come and go Is like the one before My mind lost til' the day I die Words will fail me If I tried to describe her. Though I know she's not all She should have been. She was a devil with the face Of an angel She was sweet and cruel Cruel and sweet As homemade sin If you would be so kind To help me find my mind I'd like to thank you in advance Know this before we start My soul's been torn apart I lost my mind in a wild romance. I lost my mind in a wild romance.

The More Connected I Become The Further Apart I Feel....

'Till I Collapse from Eminem on Myspace.

About | The Life Cube

THE LIFE CUBE STORYThe Life Cube project comes to Downtown Las Vegas in February 2014, and will burn in a spectacular fire ceremony on Friday, March 21, 2014. Watch the Cube rise in the lot on Fremont and 9th Street, across from Atomic Liquors. It'll be
a walk-thru, interactive experience, with murals from local artists, write boards, dramatic lighting at night, and music performances!

THE LIFE CUBE PROJECT HAS TWO MISSIONS:1) Encouraging people to write down what they want to accomplish in their lives; and
2) Connecting art with community, involving as many people as possible!
Each year at Burning Man, we've designed and built collaborative art in the form of a "Life Cube" — each version
bigger, more artistic and more interactive with thousands of people sharing art and depositing their goals, dreams,
wishes and aspirations into the Cube, to be released into the universe as the Cube goes up in flames.
In 2012, I wrote down a wish to create a Life Cube installation in a city around the world. And a few months from
now we will be building a giant Life Cube on an entire city block in Downtown Las Vegas!
The Cube will be covered with murals and a tapestry of paintings by local students and artists, write boards for
interactive messaging, slots for dropping in written goals and wishes, and photographs of historic Las Vegas. It will
be filled with music on the weekends, and lit up at night like a rock concert. And after a month on site, we'll burn it all
in a fiery ceremony on March 21st, 2014.

About | The Life Cube

The Futility of Communication

More often than not I find that attempting to communicate with others is an exercise of futility when it comes to anything of an emotional or philosophical nature. They either aren't capable of the level of depth of emotion or thought or simply disinterested in attempting. I have learned the painful lesson that there are indeed worse things than being alone in this life.

You're Innocent When You Dream

The bats are in the belfry

the dew is on the moor

where are the arms that held me

and pledged her love before

and pledged her love before

Chorus:

It's such a sad old feeling

the fields are soft and green

it's memories that I'm stealing

but you're innocent when you dream

when you dream

you're innocent when you dream

Running through the graveyard

we laughed my friends and I

we swore we'd be together

until the day we died

until the day we died

Repeat chorus

I made a golden promise

that we would never part

I gave my love a locket

and then I broke her heart

and then I broke her heart

Read more: Tom Waits - Innocent When You Dream Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

How Much Longer? How Many More Times? How Do We Resolve This?

My ex and I are stuck on this merry-go-round of breaking up, me going to CA for a few weeks, no talking for as much as two weeks then the texts start, we miss each other, then I go back to AZ and we have a night or two then the anger, mediocrity, resentment and arguing start and rapidly increase until there is a major blowup and I take off for CA again...lather, rinse, repeat.

Over two years of this pattern now.

Sunsets Change To Sunrises and I Move Again

Monday is  New Year's Eve and the new year will see me moving from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA to Las Vegas, NV, the place I've always felt pulling me but I've feared as a highly likely place of my final demise from my tendency to embrace life on the outside edge of the rails at high speeds. I say WTF and what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger and I can think of no place else which will challenge me to the max and can be my biggest challenge to concur yet so it's on come Tuesday!

Related articles

• Sunsets and Sunrises!

Point Blank - PHX

Bruce Springsteen - Point Blank Lyrics

Artist: Bruce Springsteen

Album: The River

Genre: Rock

Send "Point Blank" Ringtone to your Cell

Listen while you read!

• Songwriters: Sherman Edwards, Sid Wayne

Do you still say your prayers little darlin' do you go to bed at night

Prayin' that tomorrow, everything will be alright

But tommorow's fall in number in number one by one

You wake up and you're dying you don't even know what from

Well they shot you point blank you been shot in the back

Baby point blank you been fooled this time little girl that's a fact

Right between the eyes baby, point blank right between the pretty lies that

They tell

Little girl you fell

You grew up where young girls they grow up fast

You took what you were handed and left behind what was asked

But what they asked baby wasn't right you didn't have to live that life

I was gonna be your romeo you were gonna be my juliet

These days you don't wait on romeo's you wait on that welfare check and on all the pretty things tha

That always end up point blank, shot between the eyes

Point blank like little white lies you tell to ease the pain

You're walkin' in the sights, girl of point blank

And it's one false move and baby the lights go out

Once I dreamed we were together again baby you and me

Back home in those old clubs the way we used to be

We were standin' at the bar it was hard to hear

The band was playin' loud and you were shoutin' somethin' in my ear

You pulled my jacket off and as the drummer counted four

You grabbed my hand and pulled me out on the floor

You just stood there and held me, then you started dancin' slow

And as I pulled you tighter I swore I'd never let you go

Well I saw you last night down on the avenue

Your face was in the shadows but I knew that it was you

You were standin' in the doorway out of the rain

You didn't answer when I called out your name

You just turned, and then you looked away like just another stranger waitin' to get blown away

Point blank, right between the eyes

Point blank, right between the pretty lies you fell

Point blank, shot right through the heart

Yea point blank, you've been twisted up till you've become just another part of it

Point blank, you're walkin' in the sights

Point blank, livin' one false move just one false move away

Point blank, they caught you in their sights

Point blank, did you forget how to love, girl, did you forget how to fight

Point blank they must have shot you in the head

Cause point blank, bang bang baby you're dead

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/bruce-springsteen/point-blank-lyrics/#43BdwjCjk4H5T7MY.99 

A Big Old Mortality 2x4

.....so my older sister is in life threatening state in the hospital back east now for two weeks with cellulitis which has turned into a staff infection of her blood, spinal meningitis and also type 2 diabetes and from all reports pretty despondent. As if that wasn't enough my eldest brother who had prostate cancer and surgury five years ago has discovered hit has metastasized into his hip and has a psa of over 700 and seeking experimental treatment abroad. I just lost Pop it can't be time to lose either one but *WHAP* guess what?

The old mortality 2x4 just smacked me upside the head...of course they could go I pray to an unknown God that it's not but if I left it up to him/her/it they'd probably already been gone....last I heard no body's actually proved the existence of anything but death that happens to us all. Some days I like to kid myself and say I'm ready now....done all, seen all, been all I could possibly do, see or be but that's bullshit. Well I wish them well on their paths...thank them for being a part of my life and say fight or no fight is a personal choice and one we must all make alone.I hope you both get a chance to sprinkle my ashes down some sleazy alley behind a whore house when my time comes but just in case not I think I'll tell you both now while you can read this....thanks and in round two YOU get to sit in the middle with the "hump"!

No Fear....No Hesitation

So I'm in what I refer to as "shark mode" which is a protective mode where I rip through days and even weeks in one big blur. Time is suspended as are most colors as if I'm watching a black and white film of my life in fast forward. I am on autopilot...no emotions, no recognition of other's emotions just a flatime hum of existence. I had an incredibly productive week yet it wasn't of my doing...I simply watched it occur and literally sat in front of this laptop in the dining room of Kjell's condo at the coast...eating once in a while but coming to with my face in the keyboard about once every 48-72 hrs having no recollection of what I was doing prior to passing out until I look at my browsing history....stay away...I'm in shark mode and not accountable for my actions...please stay away....

Somewhere I Belong

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I?m not the only person with these things in mind (Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I?ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong And I?ve got nothing to say I can?t believe I didn?t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it?s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (So what am I) What do I have but negativity ?Cause I can?t justify way everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone [From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/linkin-park-lyrics/somewhere-i-belong-lyrics.html ] And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong I will never know Myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel Anything else until my wounds are healed I will never be Anything till I break away from me I will break away I'll find myself today I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I?ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it?s gone) I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I?m close to something real I wanna find something I?ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

Voodoo Doll

So "she" keeps a little voodoo doll of me in her closet and sticks pins in it whenever she wants to blame me for some inadequacy or pain in her life. I went back last weekend and visited...I know...she came over here a few weeks ago and we spent on night together and she told me afterward that she finally had her "closure" and could move on without animosity. Well, that obviously was not the case because this evening I get a text early in the evening stating:

Hope you are enjoying your evening. I'm about ready to throw up as I'm on my way out on a blind date. I can't sit at home forever. (it's been three days since I left mind you) Damn you for leaving me after three years.

Then a few hours later this comes in:

You may feel some pain somewhere on your body. I'm afraid another pin is going in the you doll for tonight. Yes, it's sick and twisted but I just feel I must do it. Sorry. 

Whatever, but it does make me curious as to how long she will go through life blaming me for every bad blind date.

A turning point in my catharsis

It's been almost 11 years since this journey began and the past three have been tumultous to the point of insanity but this evening I drove up to visit a woman friend of mine who is a healer named Luce and she know right away what I needed and she did a series of readings with me and provided the answers to questions I already knew but she was so accurate on everything that her validation served to set my resolve in concrete...I am on the right path and will undergo as series of life changing events from now through next spring and be the events of my lifetime to a point where I will FINALLY know peace within myself for the first time in my life. So to Luce my muse, healer, guide and friend I say thank you for giving me more clarity of thought and purpose than I thought was ever possible ~ Namaste

How long has it been?

How many times have I apologized for inflicting pain I never threw at you? How many ways can I attempt to leave without hurting you? It is impossible for me to do so and it breaks my heart to break yours. You say I have no heart but trust me I feel every lie I have told you in it. I don't really know the lies from the truth any more. Are my dreams reality and my days my dreams? I don't fucking know, nor do I really care. I know I loved you as deep and as long as I was capable of doing. I still do today and all ways will. Same to the rest of you out there, you are no different and I kiss the wind in your paths. I'm nearing the last round of this race and feel it clear as the door you all slammed at my back once so long ago. There is no shame in self knowledge, the shame is in attempting to change what is at one's core. I am pretty much ok with my accounting of emotional battles won and lost thus far and concede I could have been a better closer in the end with everyone yet so could we all and I grant you absolution, your bill is paid up with me, no score to settle no more. Go in peace, I bid you adieu, farewell and nevermore. I will think of you often and fondly as you were in my eyes....at our beginning before all the hurt and discomfort and plausible lies....

Sorry but it is my way and trust me it's not an easy path.

NYC Man...Blink Your Eyes And I'll Be Gone

It can only lead to trouble if you break my heart
If you accidentally crush it on the ides of March
I'd prefer you were straight forward
You don't have to go through all of that
I'm a New York city man, baby
Say "go" and that is that
New York city man, you just say "go" and that is that
I'm a New York city man, you just say "go" and that is that
It's far too complicated to make up a lie
That you'd have to remember and really why
I wouldn't want to be around you
If you don't want to have me around
I'm a M-A-N-N man
Slink your eyes and I'll gone
I'm a M-A-N-N man, slink your eyes, honey, I love you, and I'll gone
New York city man, slink your eyes and I'll gone
Brutus made a pretty speech but Caesar was betrayed
Lady Macbeth went crazy but Macbeth ended slain
Ophelia and Desdamona dead leaving Hamlet in a play
[- From :http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/lou-reed-lyrics/nyc-man-lyrics.html -]
But I'm no Lear with blinded eyes
Say " go " and I am gone
The stars have shut their eyes up tight
The earth has changed it's course
A Kingdom sits on a black knight's back
As he tries to mount a white jeweled horse
While a clock full of butterflies on the hour
Releases a thousand moths
You say " leave" and I'll be gone
Without any remorse
No letters faxes phones or tears
There's a difference between
Bad and worse
I'm a New York city man, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
New York city - man, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
New York city, I love you, New York city man
New York city, I love you, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
Just a little grain of sand
New York city, ooohhh, I love you
New York city, baby, blink your eyes and I'll be gone
I love you