61 Days and Doing OK...

Yesterday I crossed the 60 day mark for the first time since I went out with 3 years clean to the day on 12/19/99. I was in Hollywood on assignment for the music magazine I was associate editor of at the time in the VIP lounge backstage at The House of Blues on Sunset with the band Type O Negative interviewing Peter Steele and there was food, booze, blow and broads galore and I was away from home (then Santa Rosa, CA) and I remember thinking to myself: "Today you have 3 years clean, you've proved you can do it, it's all here laying at your feet, you're out of town, no one will know, you can handle it for just one night, slip back home in a day and no one will know, you deserve it, you earned it, go on, celebrate, go on, just a little drink and a line, go on...do it!"

The next thing I remember I was tossing my bags out a second story window of the luxury hotel suite the record company had put me up in having racked up the bill with room service charges, porno, booze etc. about 4-5 days later coming off a severe binge of booze, crack and hookers, you know, the usual! My Hermosa Beach AA buddy George who I got sober with 3 years prior catching the bags, tossing them into his car while I shimmied down a drain pipe and jumped into his car and he peeled off down the alley whisking me off down La Cienega to LAX where he poured me onto a late night flight to Oakland for what was to be yet another "Escape from LA" for me. It was not to be my last by a longshot. It was only the start of what turned out to be an eight year, seven month and ten day run until I landed on the front doorstep of Sundance on 7/29/08.

One week out of Sundance....

Tonight makes one week out of Sundance for me. It's been a busy week for sure! I left Sundance basicly homeless, unemployed and all my stuff in a storage unit in Fountain Hills with no clue what the future held for me. My PO told me I had to continue to live in Surprise or else transfer to a different probation office and with only one month left prior to being able to submit for early release I chose to stay way out here almost one hour away from Sundance.I spent the first night at my friend Judy's house in Desert Ridge and found a furnished studio just inside the the eastern border of Surprise along the western bank of the Agua Fria river on Bell Road. It's totally furnished down to towels, dishes and silverwear and has a murphy bed in the wall. I settled in over the weekend and it's now home until I can get released from probation.

I've lived in worse places!

I attended four twelve step meetings (two AA & two NA), Sundance alumni meeting as well as the Art of Recovery Expo at the Phoenix Convention Center on Saturday and been calling into probation every night and went in last week once for UA testing at TASC (clean of course). I also went to Sundance on Monday morning for my first day as art mentor for Dr. Paula's expressive art therapy group and will continue to do so weekly.

I've also been going over to my parent's home in Sun City West daily to assist my sister pack & clean the house in preparation of them moving back to New York with my sister this Thursday which most likely be the last time I will see my folks. Pop is nearly 87 now, in very poor physical health from a series of strokes over the past six years and rapidly declining mental health due to a recent diagnosis of dementia. Mom is 82 and also in very poor health, had spinal fusion surgery in March and knee replacement surgery one month ago as well as several other progressive health conditions.

I have very mixed emotions about my sister taking them back to NY after having been their sole live-in caregiver for the past 6 years. On one hand I am vey relieved to be free to get my own life back (such as it is) yet I will miss them very much and probably won't see them again before they pass. At this stage I'm not allowed to leave the state to be able to visit them and their health conditions and advanced ages don't make the odds of them living much longer very good, especially Pop. The moving van arrives in the morning as well as my nephew and he and my sister will drive them back to NY on Thursday morning.

Then end of an era, The beginning of another.

First day out....

I'm 24 hours out of Sundance and it's been a very hectic and stressfull day but I'm actually feeling strong and proud of the progress I've made. I'm sitting in my new apartment writing this on my new laptop via my new wireless card. This time last night I was leaving Sundance with my car packed to the gills with nowhere to live, a broken computer and no wireless connection. Spent the night last night at my friend Judy's house in Desert Ridge and got up at sunrise and hit the ground running. I spent the early morning online at Kinkos searching for apartments then went to the folk's house which is now listed for sale and in major "move" mode as my sister is preparing to pack them up and move them back to NY next week, then picked up my Pop from his nursing home and drove him down to his Dr's in Peoria for a final physical and record transfer to his new Dr in NY. I spent the rest of the day looking at a few apartments but grabbed one where a friend of mine stayed last year. It's no palace but it's a large, fully furnished studio with a murphy bed in the wall but it's "home". Tonight I'm setting the apartment up, going out to dinner with a friend, getting a haircut nand crashing out here. Tomorrow I start the job hunt!!

The child I've found again inside....

Through my work with Annette and doing EMDR therapy I have found this little guy again and I have discoverd that I have been living my life as best I could with his heart and mind instead of my adult heart and mind. I had some dramatic PTSD issues that he suffered in very early childhood resolved and I feel that I am now able to take his hand and bring him into my adult life without fear.

One week and counting...

I coin out next Tuesday September 16th on my 50th birthday which will be my 48th day of treatment at Sundance. One week to go and I still have no clue what lies ahead for me except for continued sobriety. I am very grateful for that and am keeping that as the center of my day to day existence yet I am growing impatient and a tad fearful of my future beyond these sheltered walls and I find myself falling into worry more and more as my discharge looms closer on the horizon. I have pretty much concluded and presented all the assignments of the Sundance program, except a few RRA letters which I still need to present in group. I have a few more sessions with Annette & Kirby and sooner than I can imagine I'll have this little coin in my pocket and sent on my way. Forty eight days is hardly enough time to compensate for thirty eight years of addictive living and relapse prevention is at the forefront of my aftercare plan.

Thunderstorm in the desert night.....

I just laid out on the grass lawn during a fantastic thunderstorm in the desert night spread eagle on my back with five dear friends and allowed the raindrops to wash away my past in a deeply cathartic momemt of harmony and oneness with the spirit. Today was a special day for me in my journey and one more step of my catharsis has been completed. The raindrops were big and cool as the fell from the sky onto my face and I opened my mouth and tasted a freedom of my soul alongside my dear friends and fellow souljourners Clint, Jenna, Marina, Kabe and MJ......

Namaste

The first place I'm starting is with the physical....

Excerpt from an email to a friend explaining the basic premise of the next month which really is preparation for the journey rather than part of the journey itself:

Of course you are correct about my journey. The first 30 days is primarily a physical cleansing. I have struggled with substance abuse issues since the age of 13 and I've developed a rather nasty meth addiction the past few years here in AZ but that's just what's around....if they make it I've abused it. I am being sent into residential treatment by my probation officer in lieu of spending the summer in tents out in the desert with Sheriff Joe....I have been unable to stop totally and have had a few "dirty" tests while on probation over the past year and my PO has violated my probation. She also caught me associating with known criminals. Most of my friends are known criminals so it's not hard to do. I found it odd that the typical punishment for this was incarceration with? Yup you guessed it..."criminals". They expect perfection instead of progress (must be Virgos).

Now not to rationalize my drug abuse as I know all of it is horrific abuse to my brain, body and soul but I HAVE cut way down and the amount I use in a month is what I used to use in one big night. Plus this will now be the 5th time I'll have been in a 30 day full rehab and I was a drug and alcohol counselor myself for a few years in the mid 90's so it won't be anything new to me really.

This program "IS" different in that it is in a very luxurious facility and I will have a personal trainer, dietitian, chef, masseuse, counselor, shrink and maid. It appears to be a more holistic approach to treating addiction however I look at it more as a nurturing environment for me to heal myself rather than to be healed externally. As they say in 12 Step programs, "It's an inside job"

I've climbed so many "steps" in my lifetime, beat drums, done sweat lodges, medical model, social model, cold turkey, rehab, detox, halfway houses and even a few psych wards and jails but I know that the answer lies from within.

I just completed another program in May called the Prometa program that consists of massive IV drips of brain chemicals and amino acids....I was high the whole time. Both are mostly just my way to avoid being tossed into general population as a 125lb white boy....not a healthy prospect.

The good part is that 9/16 is my 50th birthday and I am ready to stop abusing my body and am internally prepared to put down the drugs, booze, smokes and my favorite.....dirty, greasy, gratuitous sex with as many women as I can get into bed which is somewhat legendary in scope and proportion. The "number" is in excess of 5,000 women and I have yet to even come close to filling whatever void within myself is that I've been trying to feed by such acting out.

This has all been driven to a head by my care giving for my father these past 6 years and my duties are coming to an end as my sister is here now breaking down my folks household and taking them both back with her to upstate NY while I'm in treatment...LOL....I went to rehab and they moved away I will relish saying I think.

Yes, I'm starting yet another blog....but....

...this one will be different from the other 16 current blogs I have in syndication. This one will chronicle the profoundly personal journey of self discovery and emotional & physical cleansing I'm about to set off upon in five more days. Sit tight if you will as I finish packing for the trip as I have no idea of how long or how far this one will be!