I have all these brushes...

I have these paint brushes hanging on my wall over my desk back in the office...some are used and have paint residue on them and others are new and unused...all different sizes and shapes...some flat bristle...some round. I stare at them sometimes and look upon them as the many things I do to occupy my time while I wait...one for my CPL Fellowship...one for my work with Alwun House...one for The Icehouse...one for my cat...one for my friend Barry...one for my probation officer...one for my photography...one for GiveClicks.com...one for the urban abode and on and on and on and on, so forth, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

Busy little brushes they are....all lined up in a modicum of order...each with their own place...own color...own spot on the palate...each serving to sop up time like bread in gravy while I wait...

The problem resides in the fact that I have no clue what I'm waiting for...but I'm waiting just the same...the other shoe dropped years ago so that's not it...nope...it's something else.

Bad luck? Success? Fame? Fortune? Love? Lust? Ripped through all those like a box of Kleenex when you have a cold many years ago....there they are crumpled up in the corner over there...see them all?

Death? Naw..."Keef" & the Cockroaches got a running bet to see who's last left alive and I'm holding their bets so that's not it either...shit!

Waiting, longing, wishing and hoping only work well when you know what it is you're waiting for and when you don't it's just this hole in your gut...a tear that runs down your cheek at night and rolls into your ear...

The Razor's Edge...

I'm currently reading W. Somerset Maugham's "The Razor's Edge" again for the first time in probably about 30 years and finding myself identifying greatly with both the young protagonist "Larry" as well as the older, wordly yet disingeuine "Elliott Templeton" as if I'm Larry trapped in Elliott's life. My life right now; while on a truly positive track for the first time in 38 years, if ever, is continually hampered and haunted by the past in very real and profound ways on a daily basis; the specifics of which are ancillary to the core of the conundrum I find myself in.

It just seems that with every step I take in a positive direction I am pulled back two or more steps as the result of some misstep(s) of my past life and the situation is frustrating at the very least and at times quite maddening in cause and effect. At first and even second glance it would seem that I will be stuck in this situation for the rest of my life and that I will never be able to climb out of the karmic hole I've dug and thrown myself into and that I may as well just toss dirt over myself and and make it my literal as well as figurative grave and give up yet the changes I've been through to date are preventing me from doing so. I've never been a quitter in my life yet I've never really completed anything for that matter either. I've been paying for my entire life by cashing yesterday's checks by funding them with tomorrow's promises and now that I've abruptly ceased doing so the caboose of my "train" is catching up with the engine by slamming into one freight car at a time over and over again....bam, bam, bam!

I don't know how many more freight cars there are left separating the caboose from the engine but I do know in the core of my being that I must keep a deathgrip on the handbrake of the engine as I quite clearly see the end of the tracks leading over the precipice of a bottomless chasm into which my train will surely catapult into and burst into flames should I ever go back onto the track my life was dead set upon a very short seven months ago...

The cock crows thrice and other tests....

I'm in a very strange, almost surreal space right now and I feel as if something is testing me hard and around every corner. It's as if my moral character is on trial and on the witness stand and it's being cross examined by a very contemptuous and crafty prosecutor who's throwing 100 mph curveballs directly at my head in rapid succession. I also feel that it's no coincidence that my confirmation name within the Roman-Catholic faith of my childhood is Peter, first of the twelve apostles who was later to deny Jesus three times before the cock crowed three times before dawn.

Without going into great specific details I'll just touch upon a series of events that occured yesterday that have me wrestling with myself over moral issues. The first of which is that I discovered through some investigative legwork of a friend who it was that burglarized my home twice this month and stole several laptops, what's left of my guitar collection as well as some treasured and irreplaceable family heirlooms. I know for a fact it was a person who was doing some work here at my "urban abode" as I heard and recognized his voice on a voicemail he left on my friend's cell phone in responce to my friend's email sent on the one guitar that this person was attempting to sell online. My dilemma comes into play because I know this person is going through a very painful trial right now with a terminally ill spouce being removed off life support today and being allowed to pass. Does this justify this person to break into my house and steal family treasures of extremely sentimental value that I had been saving to pass down to my son? Obvioulsly not but it does cause me great internal struggle about having told my discovery to the detective assigned to my case yesterday. I was very upset with the fact that I was violated by a person that was hired and paid to do work in my home and who took items of such personal value to me yet conflicted and moved to tears with feelings of understanding and deep compassion for someone who is under the great emotional distress of having to literally disconnect a spouce from life suppport and I am still struggling within myself over this situation although I intellectually know what is right and what is wrong and that I did the right thing by giving this information to the detective to investigate.

The other test that presented itself very vividly to me yesterday was being made aware of a friend who was in the depths of methamphetamine withdrawl which is a living hell that I've had to experience more times than I care to recall in my life and was seriously dope sick and in need of a fix but broke and no means to "get well" other than to resort to selling her body which she would have done in order to get what she needed so I asked her this question "Do you want to get clean or are you just out?" and the answer was "Just out" and although I know it was the wrong thing to do I wound up giving this person enough money to get well and spared her the indignation of selling herself. I don't abide by the "tough love" philosophy as I've been on the receiving end of that doctrine and it doesn't get anyone closer to surrender, it just makes them do more degrading things in order to get well and cause the cycle of guilt, shame and remorse to start all over again...lather, rinse, repeat. I know all too well that nobody's ready to clean up until they're ready and I sense this person is close but not quite at that point so she would have "gotten well" one way or another without my intervention and that's a fact but I do struggle with it and actually came very fucking close to doing some up with her myself last night and took off out of her parking lot like a bat out of hell with my "hand wet on the wheel" as in the song Radar Love and locked myself up in my little house down here in the hood with the bars on the windows and held my little kitten and thanked God or whoever, whatever it is that's throwing these curveballs at me for one more day clean and sober.

That's all for now I guess, just needed to get this out so I can get back to the many tasks at hand and let things shake out the way they will shake out and be glad that I have such "moral dilemmas" in my heart today for not too long ago I would have handled these very same situations much differently. A very short seven months ago I would have hired a few goons, gone to this guy's house, kicked in his door and his face, taken my shit back then gone to my other friend's house bought and sexually abused her body and then done the dope with her and that's all there is to it....

Violation & Solitude

It's Valentine's Day and since my last post my home was burglarized twice and that's never happened to me before and it has left me wanting very little to do with people and I find myself in a very solitary mode and withdrawing from socialization more and more with each passing day. The violation of coming home to finding my back window smashed out and muddy footprints on my pillow and much treasured, irreplaceable personal items missing has been devastating. This little house down here and the few things that I have left to show for my 50 years on Earth mean so very much more than merely "possessions" to me....I lost most of my "possessions" many years ago and every single thing that I have left, which, is not much are treasures to me and the thief stole things like my son's first guitar that was a gift from a very dear friend of mine and my last bass that was a gift to me from another friend that was the last icon from my decade in the music industry, my grandfather's pocket watch and my father's WWII Army Air Corps pilot's wings. It's as if my very DNA was taken from me and I am saddened and angred beyond description yet I realize that they are most likely gone forever and I have to accept it and continue on and not allow it to dissuade me from continuing along this new path I'm on.

The clock just struck twelve....

...and with that I just crossed the 6 month hurdle mark on this trip I've been on drug free for the first time in 38 years of living hell. I don't know where this path will will lead me down the road, all I know is that so far this has been one hell of an adventure filled with "highs" so much higher than I ever got from using and that's no bullshit. Look, if there ever was any addict out there that stuck it out through thick and thin it's me. I took it past the divorces, bankruptcy, lost careers, jails, rehabs, halfway houses, being robbed, beaten, shot at and stabbed to the very brink of insanity and death many, many times in my life. I have been legally declared as being "unrehabilitatable" and I am here to say that there is no such thing and that I am living testament to that it is indeed possible for anyone to:

1) To restore to good health or useful life, as through therapy and education.
2) To restore to good condition, operation, or capacity.
3) To reinstate the good name of.
4) To restore the former rank, privileges, or rights of.

So, if anyone out there who may stumble upon this blog post is having a hard time believing that it can be done and is stuck in the depths of the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization which was my daily existence for very long, very hard 38 years I'm here to tell you that it can be done! It's not easy, in fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I have to do it over and over again every damned day but it's starting to get a bit easier to do with every passing day that goes by.....one day at a time.

Real seeker is not concerned about the goal...OSHO

Don't be worried whether you will be able to make it in this life or not. Once you have started flowing, you have already made it.

Every river is constantly moving to be the ocean. The problem is only with those who have become ponds, closed, not open to flow, having forgotten that this is not their destiny, this is death.

To be a pond is to commit suicide, because there is no growth anymore, no new spaces, no new experiences, no new skies -- just the old pond, rotting in itself, becoming more and more muddy.

To be a seeker means dropping this static state and becoming a changing, moving, flowing river.

It does not matter when you reach the ocean.

The beginning is the end.

The whole beauty is in the beginning, because once you have started moving, the end, falling into the ocean, is absolutely determined. The beginning was in your hands; it was your freedom, hence the beauty of the beginning.

Falling into the ocean will be tremendously ecstatic, but it is not in your hands. What was in your hands was the beginning, and you gathered courage; you jumped out of a static, dead situation into a living being... alive, singing and dancing.

Who cares when the ocean comes?

The beginning is enough, more than enough -- because falling into the ocean is bound to happen.You have started flowing. Rejoice in it. Don't think of the tomorrow. Today is enough unto itself, a blessing, a benediction.

And you are the ocean -- what more are you going to gain when you fall into the ocean? It is simply the realization that the water, whether in a dewdrop or in the biggest ocean, is of the same nature; every dewdrop contains oceans in it, and all the oceans are made only of dewdrops.

So the real seeker is not concerned about the goal.The real seeker is concerned about the right beginning, and you are blessed because the right beginning has happened.

OSHO

from : The Osho Upnishad ch. 39

The Hole in My Soul

I just sent this note in reply to a dear friend who asked me how my day was yesterday with the hope that it was a good day:

I had a "different" day yesterday, not sure I'd call it "good" necessarily and likewise not sure I'd call it "bad", it was a very emotionally raw, instrospective day like most of my days as of late. At one point last night I found myself slumped down in the doorway between my kitchen and studio frozen, sitting on the floor, unable to move, unable to cry, unable to focus and I remained just sitting on the floor in that doorway for what seemed to be an eternity but it was close to an hour I'd say.

I wouldn't classify it as depression, I wouldn't classify it as lonliness, I wouldn't classify it as sadness but more rather a combination of the three. It was a feeling I've come to know quite well in these past five months, a feeling I've had all my life at times....it is the "hole", the hole within myself that I have previously filled with my addictions in order to not to feel it and when it hit me last night it was like someone hit me with a cattle prod directly in my heart, directly in my soul. I was rendered totally defenseless, unable to move, unable to emote, unable to do anything other than to remain sitting on the floor and wait it out.

When it finally subsided I neither had any new insights, clarity, serenity or anything remotely positively intuitive to draw from the experience. It simply lifted from me like a passing fog bank one encounters while driving down the grapevine at night....I stood up and made a cup of tea and shuddered a bit and finished setting up my studio.

Cold Water Flat

So, I managed to escape the suffocating existence out one the edge of civilization and traded it in for what I have come to call the "Urban Abode" down on Roosevelt Row in the heart of downtown Phoenix and I've now just about got it arranged for what I have begun to call "The Winter of my Content" as a play on Steinbeck's novel. In his "Winter of Our Discontent" Steinbeck's character, Ethan Allen Hawley, works as a clerk in a grocery store he used to own. His wife and children resent their lowly social and economic position, and don't put any value in the high levels of honesty and integrity that Ethan struggles to maintain in a corrupt society. Under this constant pressure, Hawley will eventually manage to get back the store by renouncing his morals, but the new-found wealth will not bring happiness.

I have set about to do the opposite of poor schnook Ethan in many ways by rejecting my former lifestyle in all ways, first with cleaning up my multitudes of addictions with substances, gambling, sex and general mucking about and thus "announcing" my morals and living down here on "The Row" with the ghosts of society in sobriety, abject poverty, mostly solitudinal, generally nocturnal and celibate. Although I haven't been able to maintain a perfect record on all counts, I'd say I'm batting a solid "900" with only a few lapses in a couple areas with no relative harm done by any regression and I intend on continuing on with all of the above, at least for a while.

Most of my time has been spent getting the house in order these past few weeks and it is now pretty much the way I want it with only a few things left to do, not least of which is to scrape up enough money to get the gas turned on so I can get hot water, take a hot shower and start cooking on the stove instead of only in the microwave, but at least the ice cold showers have proved to be helped with the celibacy issue...LOL

I probably will wind up selling the 350Z and taking my equity after paying off the balance and buying something for cash to get around but I really don't need a car that often down here since everything I generally want or need is within a matter of four or five blocks and the new metrorail line is just a few blocks away at Roosevelt & Central but I will look for some funky car or truck to tinker on just the same. I'm looking forward to spring so I can plant a little veggie garden out back and small seeded lawn in front.

I guess that's it for now but things are going pretty well in this new lifestyle I've started living and I'm discovering and trying lots of new things that I either never had time to do or didn't even think of doing before. It's amazing how much time being a drug addled, skirt chasing degenerate sucks up in any given day and I now have loads of time to do a lot of cool stuff!!

Since this journey started now over five months ago I have become brutally aware of many behavioral shortcomings that I developed over the years that although were highly unsuccessful and unfulfilling, they were at least "comfortable" after thirty eight years of habitual repetition and I'm now starting to get a bit of time under my belt living a different way and it's like starting over with a blank canvas and I can paint anything I want in any color I want!

No Shit

It was in the winter of my fiftieth year

When it hit me

I was really alone

And there wasn't a hell a lot of time left

Every laugh and touch that I could get

Became more important

Strangely, I became more bookish

And my home and study meant more to me

As I considered the circumstances of my death

I wanted to find a balance between joy and dignity

On my way out

Above all, I didn't want to take any more shit

Not from anybody

Iggy Pop

Starting to pack and plan my escape from Surprize!

Day 124 and I survived my ass falling off on Thanksgiving by picking it up, dusting it off, putting it in a paper bag and taking it to an NA meeting then going to McCormick and Schmick's with my sponsor for two "single guy Thanksgiving specials" and washed it down with a big glass of milk and all was well with my world as I know it once again. Then I spent yesterday afternoon meeting with some fellow members of my new 501(c)(3) non-profit expressive art therapy project down on Roosevelt Row looking at buildings and coming up with a target area of where we want to be located. Then in the late afternoon I met up for coffee with a gal pal of mine who wound up going with me to my weekly alumni group meeting out at The Sundance Center. Afterwards we went out for matching his and her crocks of French onion soup at Mimi's Cafe the out to the El Chorro Lodge for coffee and a little slow dancing on the patio under the stars which was quite a nice way to spend Black Friday.

I must admit that it was nice to have a beautiful woman in my arms again and slow dancing to all the standard "Rat Pack" tunes but walking her to her door and kissing her lightly on her cheek and locking her within the safe confines of her condo for the night was totally a new experience for this old horndog currenltly celibate by choice. This whole "celibacy deal" that I've been struggling with on a daily basis and going out on platonic dates with drop dead gorgeous women is a bit akin to me locking myself in a Motel 6 with a quarter ounce of meth, an eightball of crack , two fifths of Crown Royal and attempting to work on my 4th step and reading the Big Book without touhing any of it but I had a wonderful evening and I was able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror this morning so that is a good thing....I guess....LOL

So now I have a ton on my plate with getting the non-profit set up asap so I can hopefully get out and beat the streets for endowments, grants and donations to get it funded, lease a building and start hiring staff before the end of the year now just a scant 30 days away all at the same time I'm looking for a new personal residence, pack and move as close to the center of Phoenix as possible on or before December 15th when my lease out here on the edge of civilization expires and my rent shoots up from $725 to $1,100 because all the "snowbirds" come out from the ice pack states like the swallows annual return to Capistrano. No great loss there as I hate the cultural, architectural, political and just about every other type of vacuum that exists out here but I'm sitting here with a mere c-note left in my jeans, one carton of smokes, two months upside down on car payments (but it is now insured!) and just enough gas for my daily trips back and forth to my po box to look for the check that's been "in the mail" to me from my one and only social media marketing client that's been on it's way now for oh, about 9 weeks now and trying not to panic and starting to park my car in different places at night to hide it from the repo man who's already starting to call my brother up in Sonoma County looking for me as he's listed as my next of kin on my car loan application. My next address just might be my license plate number if you catch my drift but I ain't sweating just quite yet. That in itself is a tad bit worrysome however I'll discuss that with my therapist on Tuesday right before I hand her that last c-note and go pawn my watch.

It's "rough out here I tell ya!" but what else can I do? Going backwards is not even an option so I have to keep rowing this boat forward even though it continues to be sinking faster than it's moving ahead but that's what it's all about I'm coming to realize. There is no deserted island paradise to row to with my Bukowski book and Miles Davis CD populated with brown skinned, post-pubescent, nymphomanics in heat. There's just this endless rowing.

My ass fell off today....

Today is 121 days clean for me and it's been a very hard day for me since it's also the 6th anniversary of the day I brought my Pop home from the hospital after his stroke and began my journey as his caregiver and the first Thankgiving without being by his side on this special day as he lies in a hospice in Upstate NY and I sit alone in little furnished studio on the edge of the open desert feeling sorry for myself most of the day unable to get my skinny ass out of bed or stop crying until 5:00 this afternoon until I got a text message from my sponsor, Mike N. to write a list of 10 things that I was thankful for today so I am going to get in the shower, shave and drag my ass to the 7:00 NA meeting at the N. Scottsdale Fellowship after I write and share that list here with you:

I am thankful for:

1) Being 121 days clean, alive, and unicarcerated.

2) Having a roof over my head and food in my fridge.

3) Having a new source of of subsistence level income from my hard negotiated contract with Hythiam, Inc which was finialized this week.

4) Having the ability to talk to and help three people today who are newer to sobriety than I am.

5) Having the continued support from many people in the program as well as my professional counselors like Paula Artac, Annette Pucia, Kirby Maus and Ana Gomez.

6) Knowing that when I walk in that door in one hour at the fellowship hall that someone will be there who has walked the same walk I have and that the lights will be on.

7) That my vision of creating a 501(c)(3) nonprofit art therapy program and foundation for recovering addicts is now a reality as of two days ago and that we're now in early lease negotiations for our own building in the Roosevelt Row arts and cultural district.

8) That my lifelong dream of a career in politics to make a difference in this world is one step closer to becoming a reality and that I'm in the final consideration to receive a fellowship ino the 2009 program at The Center for Progressive Leadership.

9) Having a sponsor like Mike N. who seems to know exactly what I need to do and the exact time I need to do it and be willing to gudie me through it no matter what.

10) Having a higher power in my life who loves me unconditionally and gives me the strength at times such as this when my ass falls off to quite simply bend over, wash it off, put it in a bag and take it to a meeting!

Happy Thanksgiving! I am truly blessed today!

The story of my life...

Towering Fool (Warren Haynes) Buzzard Rock Music (BMI)

Yeah, somebody somewhere must have hurt you
You must have been really abused
A victim of your raising
Isn't that your excuse
Towering Fool

In a dream I watched you inflict yourself
On everyone within reach
Now frozen in time I see it still
Like a movie
How long has it been since you shook the hand
Of those who fell under your feet
And how long has it been since you washed yours clean
From the blood and the dirt of the street
Did you really think you could just fly away
Fly right out of those blues
Did you towering fool

Don't you know greatness comes to those who can hold it
Did it slip right through your hands
Did it brush your sleeve as it passed you by
Do you compare yourself now to then

All this pent up anger
Don't you feel alone ranger
Don't you towering fool
So you use every ounce of your energy
To keep those around you down
But there is a tear in the eye of the ring master
And a smile on the face of the clown

Yeah, you couldn't see through your own arrogance
To what the whole world already knew
You had to keep pushing it past the point
Till it all crumbled down on you
Didn't you towering fool

102 Days and a very good week....

Well, I crossed the 100 day hurdle on Thursday and am feeling stronger and stronger in my sobriety and have had many very good things happen this week. First and foremost I received a call from my missing friend I was worried about last week stating that he was out of the country and that he's still sober and doing well! Whew! Tuesday's election was a mixed bag of wins & losses for the four campaigns I was working for this election season so I batted .500 Tuesday evening with Barack Obama winning the Presidential race and Harry Mitchell winning relection to Congress although Tim Nelson lost his bid for Maricopa Couny Attorney and Dan Saban lost his bid for Maricopa County Sheriff and I attended the Obama victory celebration downtown at the Wyndham Hotel then Harry Mitchell's out in Tempe at the Fiesta Resort. My grassroots political group, Code Blue Arizona now has 39 members and will continue on to assist the Arizona Democratic Party spread news and events between election initiatives.

Last but not least I put together a last minute opening exhibit for last night's "First Friday Artwalk" down on Roosevelt Row for Rehab Arts Studio and Foundation at the kollectiv art and design group gallery featuring Paula Artac's and Diane Dillon's work and it went very well and was attended by an overwhelming number of several hundred visitors and I'm very pleased,humbled and encouraged by how well this first event went and have already posted our next exhibit which will feature the works of local artist in recovery Roger Erby as well as my own photography exhibit and I hope that some of you can attend. I realize that these "First Friday" events are in conflict with the Sundance Alumni meetings on Friday evenings but the exhibit hours run from 6:00pm until 10:00pm so there's plenty of time for you to attend the alumni group then come on down before we close and I can't tell you how much I'd love to have some of you to come down!

Here is a link to the December event information. That's about all I have to report for now. Have a great week and I'll see some of you at the N. Scottsdale Fellowship NA meeting this week!

94 Days...I'll be at the Sundance Alumni Meeting Tonight...Will You??

I took my 90 day chip at my NA homegroup "Step In Time" meeting Tuesday night at the North Scottsdale Fellowship Hall on my 91st day clean. I was hoping to take it along with "someone" who's been one day behind me all this time who was conspicuously absent from the meeting and who hasn't returned my voicemails and texts since. I am trying not to read too much into it but I've been around the rooms now for over 30 years and the writing's on the wall that this person is no longer one day behind me in sobriety and it makes my heart cry. I've left enough messages that the individual knows that I'm looking to connect and yet nothing in return so if you're out there reading this and you've relapsed please, please, please call me at 602-793-7890. I promise not to beat you up or be judgemental in any way! Lord knows, I've done the same thing more times than I can remember so I know EXACTLEY how you might feel right now. If you're still sober and haven't returned my calls THEN I'm going to kick your ass!

While I'm on this subject, there has been quite a few people this week that I've called or sent text messages to that haven't returned them that makes me worry but I pray that you're ok and just simply busy with life on life's terms and it makes me think of one person who I was in treatment that left Sundance AMA early and has relapsed off and on ever since that has been reaching out to me for the past two months that I have not returned his calls or emails because I knew he has been loaded many of the times he's called. He hasn't been calling me for help with sobriety but rather regarding some business plans we had discussed while in treatment together or has he??

Maybe he's been using the business plans as an excuse to call me when he really wants help staying sober and just can't say it? Duuuh!!! I'm an idiot sometimes huh?? Just sent him a text message.

Ok, well, enough said I guess other than to say to everyone out there that I'm always here for all of you, clean or loaded and do not hesitate to call me. I haven't had a a solid trigger to use yet but I realize all too well that's a very big "yet" and that it may hit me around the next corner like a 2x4 smack in the center of my forehead so just call me ok? Hey, if you're still hanging in there and doing well let's go to a meeting together and hang out and eat some greasy tacos or something ok? It saddens me that we spent the summer together laughing, crying, laying out on the lawn in the rain, sweating together in the "Druggie Buggie", baring our souls to each other and have so quickly fallen apart as a group and many on the fringes have been picked off from the herd.

I was going to update you all on my daily struggles, successes and challenges out here in the "real world" but I guess this post morphed into something more important, much more important. My life continues to go on, one day at a time, one struggle at a time and I've accomplished some miraculous things in these short 94 days but I think I'll refrain from boring you all with all that because that's just "stuff" you know?

Namaste

Day 85 and a mix of "Life on life's terms" at opposite ends of extreme.

Well, ok, it'll be day 85 by the time I hit the "publish" button...work with the artist! Things are going far better than I ever dreamed of in my professional life. I've come to final terms with Hythiam, Inc on building and managing their social network but I'll be signing a confidentiality agreement once they cut me a big fat check so this will be the last time I'll be able to mention anything about it but I'm here to tell you that anything is possible if you stay clean and sober and live by Ruiz's "Four Agreements" and the "12 Steps" as we were taught at Sundance and I'm living, walking & breathing proof because as I shared with those of you who attended last Friday's Alumni group at Sundance I'm now also working for a candidate in one of the biggest local election races and also now assisting with a few of the state and national level election campaigns as well which if you know where I came from prior to Sundance is downright surreal!! I won't be able to make this Friday's alumni group as I have a political fundraiser to attend but pray that I don't say nasty words in front of a roomful of senators, congressmen, assemblymen and other politicos who will be there. I sure would not have been on the guest list a few short months ago that's for sure; pehaps a topic of conversation granted, but certainly not on the guest list...LOL

The other really good thing going on is the amount of support I'm getting from both the private and public sectors for my Rehab Arts Studio & Foundation plan. (Just added the "foundation" part this week for legal considerations) and I'll be presenting my plan next Wednesday night at the Ignite-Phoenix event via global podcast and Ive been working very hard on my presentation and think it'll turn out killer but I only have 5 minutes to do so and any of you who've ever sat in a group or meeting with me know...."brevity" is not one of my strong suits to say the least so it will be quite a challenge for me and I hope to see some of your smiling, supportive faces in the studio audience. You can register (free) for the event at Ignite-Phoenix.org.

Ok now for the "life's terms" part. I just got word today from my sister back in NY that my Pop is in the hospital for now the third time in the month they've been back home in NY with Pneumonia and other complications and is slipping fast and not expected to last much longer which saddens me beyond belief yet I know at almost 87 and having suffered numerous strokes over the past six years his time here on earth with us is coming to an end. I know that I gave him all that I had in me these past six years as his live-in caregiver to a point of almost losing myself in the process (what almost? I did lose myself who am I kidding?) but yet there's a big part of me that feels guilty and ashamed that I just couldn't see him all the way out as I promised him I would at the start of this journey. In my head I know that's bullshit and I did more than most would in similar circumstances, but my heart aches deeply with sorrow and regret that I just couldn't manage to hang in there with him through his last few months. The facts are the facts and the simple fact of the matter is that if I had attempted to keep on going as I was going I most certainly would either be locked up or dead by this time anyway so my emotional struggles are really a moot issue when looked at in the light of "reality". Novel concept that is....."reality" huh??

I guess I'm not too old and beatup to learn new tricks afterall, anyway, please include my Pop in your daily prayers please and know that I know just where to run as fast as I can when he does indeed pass...I'm bee lining it out to Sundance!

Thanks for giving me a safe haven to go at times like these for I surely can't and won't attempt to carry the weight of this pending occurance alone...I've learned that much at least and am grateful beyond words for all every one of you has done to literally save my life!

79 Days....Going well but still frickin broke!

Yes, that's correct, seventy nine days clean & sober and nobody's handed me my million dollar prize for staying clean yet....damn-it!!! What's up with that anyway??

I'm hanging in there though and am very busy with setting up the board of directors of the http://www.rehabartsstudio.ning.com">Rehab Arts Studio and will be attending Phoenix Mayor Phil Gordon's "State of Downtown" address & reception this evening at the Sheraton downtown and participating in all events this weekend at the Roosevelt Row 3rd Friday Artwalk and Harvest Fesitval.

I'll also be attending a political rally & barbeque tomorrow hosted by Congressman Ed Pastor at Encanto Park.

Next weekend is packed with downtown events as well down at Copper Square and rehersing for my global podcast presenting my plan for Rehab Arts Studio at Ignite-Phoenix on Wednesday evening October 29th. It's open to the public so it would be great to see some smiling faces in the crowd. I'm a bit nervous about doing a global podcast live to be honest with you as "the globe" is a prety big frigging room ya know??

Other than that I've been busy setting up the social network I've been hired to build and maintain for http://www.hythiam.com">Hythiam, Inc for their http://www.prometa.ning.com">Prometa Alumni Network which is pretty much the same as what I'm doing here except that I actually get paid to do it!

I've also started looking for a new place to live downtown in the Roosevelt Row section which just draws me like a magnet and will hopefully find a place and move down there next month. This living way out in Surprise is such a drag! I'm at least an hour's drive from anywhere I need/want to be so I have to get out of here or go insane!

I've also now had two sessions with my new EMDR therapist, http://www.anagomeztherapy.com">Ana Gomez that Annette referred me to and we're getting up to speed and all I can say is that I'm very glad that I saved my lifeline from Sundance as it's saved us at least 2-3 additional sessions telling her my history.

That's all for now except to let you all know that I've started adding "events" to the website and invite you all to start checking in on here by posting your own blogs so we can all see what you're up to and also invite you to also post events so others can possibly attend some of them with you. I know for me isolation is a relapse trigger how about you?

69 Days Today...."Quittin Just Ain't My Stick"

So I had to mark the day given the number and all...LOL. Today has been "a day" that's for sure. I woke up this morning all set you make the hour drive over to Sundance to help Paula out with art therapy...no hot water...great! I figured it fitting given my number of days sober (and also something else) and that my higher power was just telling me to take a cold shower! No, Kabe, your head won't explode!!

So after my fast cold shower, cold shave and a cup of cold yesterday's coffee I was out the door at 8:00 on the dot and got to my car only to find the driver's window busted out, glass everywhere and everything inside tossed. So much for the $599 extra I spent on the alarm! I've lived in NY and LA where you expect things like that to happen but the Sunridge Retirement Condominiums in Surprise??? Being that it's a ragtop and only one slice away from entry anyway I don't keep much in it other than a pair of sunglasses, a few CD's and maybe half a pack of smokes and some gum but the fuggers got two things that pissed me off.

First, I had kept my Sundnace "coin" from my coin out in the ashtray as a reminder to:

A) Not to smoke in my car (I got one of thse butt buckets in the cupholder anyway).

B) Not to stop in for a cold one as I pass the seemingly endless numbers of bars on my two hour roundtrips out to Sundance and back! I swear they must have opened up a few hundred new bars in the seven weeks I was tucked away all safe and sound out at Sundance!!

So, I'm sure I can get another coin but it won't be "the" coin that was passed around to everyone to charge during my coinout on my 50th birthday so I'm kinda bummed about that; especially, given the fact that it's probably just tossed in the bushes somewhere. I worked damned hard to earn that coin and it meant the world to me! Oh well!

Second, the got my friggin Barry White's Greatest Hits CD!! How's a guy supposed to break his "other sobriety" without a Barry White CD??? I still got my Al Green CD but there's just no substitute for making your moves with the top down blasting "Never Gonna Give You Up" now is there?? Chances are that was fliped like a Frisbee down into the Aqua Fria "river" bed to the east of the parking lot.

That's another thing, while I'm in my Andy Rooney mode here. Why do they call dry gullys out here "rivers"?? I don't see no fuggin water in there??? Ah, but I digress.

So, then I cleaned up the glass, most of it anyway (just found a glass "cube" in my back pocket) and headed eastward towards Sundance while calling my dealership to schedule it in tomorrow for the window replacement, tune-up and oil change which was needed anyway. That's another first for me, oil changes. I never got the oil changed in my cars. I'd just add a quart when getting low but when they really needed an oil change I'd just trade them in. Coming from the life I used to lead before Sundance whatever car I owned was generally getting pretty "hot" around town by about the 10,000 mile mark anyway and was starting to get a nice collection of bullet holes in it and it was time to ditch it anyway...LOL (PMPN8EZ). I finished the drive out on the phone with the Director of Web Services at Hythiam, Inc trying to see if he had approval on my proposal to build and manage their social network all the while kicking myself for countering their intial offer and asking for more money and breaking my "First one to speak loses" rule by being the first one to call the other after submitting my counter offer last week. "Does he smell my desperation?" Does he know I'm at under $500 to my name with rent, insurance and a car payment coming up next week?" Does he know about my innate adversion to having to get a j-o-b where wearing a name tag is involved?" Well? Does he?? I hung up without revealing any of these grim realities of my current situation and pulled into Sundance.

So I get to Sundance about an hour late but it was with a sigh of relief!! Got hugs from Melissa, Jamie and Susan, poked fun of Dr. Ravi's shirt, the white hair in Chuck's reemerging facial hair and all was well with the world once again...I was home....safe! Then back ino the art room where I got to see you guys, kiss Kimberly on the cheek, share a moment with Matt and his "inner thesbian", Kabe's latest clay phallus, Kathy's hand holding the world, Susan's jeweled heart shaped box, Hailey's beautiful mushroom painting and see her finished drama masks drawing which I had helped her with two weeks ago (it turned out killer!), Danika's pink box and Sandy's radiant & sparkley sun and top it all off with seeing Jon and Marina and a big old nurturing Paula hug!! I was recharged and ready to get back out there and complete my day out here in the hinderands of my new reality! Bumped into Chris in the parking lot which was cool as he said how good it was to see me and to see me doing well out here....LOL...I spared him all of the above and joted myself a note to start working out so I can look a bit more like the big guy....LOL...I'll start tomorrow (or NOT!).

Then it was off to my storage unit up in Fountain Hills to get some stuff out of there then back down the hill to mid-city for my first therapy session with EMDR therapist Ana Gomez who Annette referred me to and made it at 1:00 sharp! Annette didn't tell me that Ana is like my dream woman in living flesh. Oh my God!! After I stoped drooling I signed the client agreement and thereby erradicated any possability whatsoever that she'd ever consider going out with me for LIFE!! I felt somewhat relieved and actually grateful for that cold shower earlier...not that this incredibly hot and intelligent professional woman would go out with me anyway but humor me here ok??? Work with the artist!!

Had a great session with Ana and I think I actually heard a few words she said by the end of the hour and made a regular standing appointment for Monday afternoons. I feel good about her and think we can continue the work I started with Annette out at Sundance but there's a lot more inside I need to look at. Annette and I really only cracked the door open, dusted a few cobb webs out of the way and let a few "bats" fly out of the recesses of my soul. Suddenly I'm thinking that between Paula's art classes and Ana's therapy sessions I'm atually gonna like "Mondays" which I'm sure will start to change once she starts my EMDR therapy sessions and I ball like a baby and get snot on my shirt in her office every week.

Quick zip up to Lenscrafters at Paradise Valley Mall to pick up my new prescription and sun glasses and I can "see" again!! Turning fifty is a dual edged sword. On one hand I had to increase the bifocal prescription so I can read but on the other I did get to whip out my new AARP card and get a 10% discount!! (Just wait, you'll get there yourself and think of me whne you whip out yours too!!).

Back in the car and drive through late afternoon crosstown traffic on Cactus all the way out to Glendale & 67th Ave just short of my 4:00 deadline for my regular check-in meeting with my Probation Officer which went well but not as well as I anticipated because she informed me that she was not going to be able to submit my case for early release on October 17th because she wants to keep me under supervision "for a few additional monhs" to see how I do in the real world outside of Sundance. Shit! That means another few months living out here in East Jesus and now I have to start looking for another place to live (again) since this studio jumps up from $725/mo to $1,100/mo on December 15th when all the "Snowbirds" flock back out here from Wisconsin or where ever the fuck they come from every year like the swallows returning to Capistrano but I still have to reside in Surprise unless I want to transfer to another probation officer which I do not want to do with 18 written violations in my file over the past 12 months. Mine has been very cool with me giving me second, third and fouth chances and has not sent me back to the judge so rather than take my chances with a new PO I guess I'm loking for another place to live out here in Surprise(aka:East Jesus) starting in a few weeks and sucking it up and living life on life's terms. Novel concept although quite foreign to me.

Then a long drive into the direct setting sun further westward up Grand Avenue made only bearable due to my new prescription Ray Ban's and ino the safe confnes of my little furnished studio here at the glorious "Sunridge Retirement Condos", pulled the Murphy bed down out of the wall and flopped down for a two hour nap and writing this as my Banquet meatloaf, mashed potato and corn TV dinner cooks (Hey, they were only $1.00 a piece last week as I shopped at Walmart after being greeted at the door by my Ghost of Christmas future....and NO I don't want help out to the car you old fuck!! Get away from me you creep!).

Oh well, it could be worse ehh?? I could be busy covering my windows with aluminum foil and hand "cleaning" my carpet right??

Nahhh!!

In the imortal words of the late, great Barry White (*sigh*). "Quittin just ain't my stick!"
Nite

61 Days and Doing OK...

Yesterday I crossed the 60 day mark for the first time since I went out with 3 years clean to the day on 12/19/99. I was in Hollywood on assignment for the music magazine I was associate editor of at the time in the VIP lounge backstage at The House of Blues on Sunset with the band Type O Negative interviewing Peter Steele and there was food, booze, blow and broads galore and I was away from home (then Santa Rosa, CA) and I remember thinking to myself: "Today you have 3 years clean, you've proved you can do it, it's all here laying at your feet, you're out of town, no one will know, you can handle it for just one night, slip back home in a day and no one will know, you deserve it, you earned it, go on, celebrate, go on, just a little drink and a line, go on...do it!"

The next thing I remember I was tossing my bags out a second story window of the luxury hotel suite the record company had put me up in having racked up the bill with room service charges, porno, booze etc. about 4-5 days later coming off a severe binge of booze, crack and hookers, you know, the usual! My Hermosa Beach AA buddy George who I got sober with 3 years prior catching the bags, tossing them into his car while I shimmied down a drain pipe and jumped into his car and he peeled off down the alley whisking me off down La Cienega to LAX where he poured me onto a late night flight to Oakland for what was to be yet another "Escape from LA" for me. It was not to be my last by a longshot. It was only the start of what turned out to be an eight year, seven month and ten day run until I landed on the front doorstep of Sundance on 7/29/08.

One week out of Sundance....

Tonight makes one week out of Sundance for me. It's been a busy week for sure! I left Sundance basicly homeless, unemployed and all my stuff in a storage unit in Fountain Hills with no clue what the future held for me. My PO told me I had to continue to live in Surprise or else transfer to a different probation office and with only one month left prior to being able to submit for early release I chose to stay way out here almost one hour away from Sundance.I spent the first night at my friend Judy's house in Desert Ridge and found a furnished studio just inside the the eastern border of Surprise along the western bank of the Agua Fria river on Bell Road. It's totally furnished down to towels, dishes and silverwear and has a murphy bed in the wall. I settled in over the weekend and it's now home until I can get released from probation.

I've lived in worse places!

I attended four twelve step meetings (two AA & two NA), Sundance alumni meeting as well as the Art of Recovery Expo at the Phoenix Convention Center on Saturday and been calling into probation every night and went in last week once for UA testing at TASC (clean of course). I also went to Sundance on Monday morning for my first day as art mentor for Dr. Paula's expressive art therapy group and will continue to do so weekly.

I've also been going over to my parent's home in Sun City West daily to assist my sister pack & clean the house in preparation of them moving back to New York with my sister this Thursday which most likely be the last time I will see my folks. Pop is nearly 87 now, in very poor physical health from a series of strokes over the past six years and rapidly declining mental health due to a recent diagnosis of dementia. Mom is 82 and also in very poor health, had spinal fusion surgery in March and knee replacement surgery one month ago as well as several other progressive health conditions.

I have very mixed emotions about my sister taking them back to NY after having been their sole live-in caregiver for the past 6 years. On one hand I am vey relieved to be free to get my own life back (such as it is) yet I will miss them very much and probably won't see them again before they pass. At this stage I'm not allowed to leave the state to be able to visit them and their health conditions and advanced ages don't make the odds of them living much longer very good, especially Pop. The moving van arrives in the morning as well as my nephew and he and my sister will drive them back to NY on Thursday morning.

Then end of an era, The beginning of another.

First day out....

I'm 24 hours out of Sundance and it's been a very hectic and stressfull day but I'm actually feeling strong and proud of the progress I've made. I'm sitting in my new apartment writing this on my new laptop via my new wireless card. This time last night I was leaving Sundance with my car packed to the gills with nowhere to live, a broken computer and no wireless connection. Spent the night last night at my friend Judy's house in Desert Ridge and got up at sunrise and hit the ground running. I spent the early morning online at Kinkos searching for apartments then went to the folk's house which is now listed for sale and in major "move" mode as my sister is preparing to pack them up and move them back to NY next week, then picked up my Pop from his nursing home and drove him down to his Dr's in Peoria for a final physical and record transfer to his new Dr in NY. I spent the rest of the day looking at a few apartments but grabbed one where a friend of mine stayed last year. It's no palace but it's a large, fully furnished studio with a murphy bed in the wall but it's "home". Tonight I'm setting the apartment up, going out to dinner with a friend, getting a haircut nand crashing out here. Tomorrow I start the job hunt!!