The Newly Converted

Over the years there have been many, many of my friends who crash, burn and clean up their lifestyle via rehab, jail, or a combo and for the most part remain my friends. My recreational activities do not define me nor do they preclude associating with those who may or may not share my lifestyle choices. There have been a few who have done a complete 180 in their lives within the past few years and I'm happy for them but I have a very low tolerance for those who preach to others. Live and let live and if I want anoyne's opinion I'll ask for it.

The Price of 45 Years of This Life

I started smoking and drinking at the age of five (yes 5). My parents used to have a bridge club with three other couples and once every four months they would host. They all drank and smoked (it was 1963) and my brother Tom and I would wait up in our bedroom for them to breakup and head outside to say goodnight and get into their big Chryslers, Buicks and Mercurys with fins and call it a night. Tom and I only had like 5 minutes to race downstairs to forage for leftovers while they were outside....Tom went for the leftover pies, cakes and candies while I went for the stogies, butts and drinks.

How to Fight Lonliness

Miller on Ego

“I’m an egotist, but I’m not selfish. There’s a difference. I’m a neurotic, I guess. I can’t stop thinking about myself. It isn’t that I think myself so important... I simply can’t think about anything else, that’s all. If I could fall in love with a woman that might help some. But I can’t find a woman who interests me.” ― Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

The Curse of being an Empath

Going through life as I have with the "gift" or "curse" of feeling other people's emotions with the majority of them being negative emotions does wear on me. I rarely get the ability to experience my own emotions because I walk around with a sack of other's emotions on my shoulder all the time and that has resulted with my own emotional maturity being severeley stunted and the only way I've been able to get in touch with my emotions has been through experimentation and exploration with illicit substances. Some work better than others, and some have even more negative affect on me but now after 45 years of self medicating with every known illicit substance known to man I sit here before you at the same emotional maturity level of when I started my experimentations. Hi I'm Stephen's emotions and I'm twelve.

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.

- Proverbs 22:15

A song for all the sailors who've run a foul at sea

Good Friday....Lou's version anyway

He was lying banged and battered, skewered and bleeding
talking crippled on the Cross
Was his mind reeling and heaving hallucinating
fleeing what a loss

The things he hadn't touched or kissed his senses
slowly stripped away
Not like Buddha not like Vishnu
life wouldn't rise through him again

I find it easy to believe
that he might question his beliefs
The beginning of the Last Temptation
Dime Story Mystery

The duality of nature, Godly nature,
human nature splits the soul
Fully human, fully divine and divided
the great immortal soul

Split into pieces, whirling pieces, opposites
attract
From the front, the side, the back
the mind itself attacks

I know the feeling, I know it from before
descartes through Hegel belief is never sure
Dime Store Mystery, Last Temptation

I was sitting drumming thinking thumping pondering
the Mysteries of Life
Outside the city shrieking screaming whispering
the Mysteries of Life

There's a funeral tomorrow
at St. Patrick's the bells will ring for you
Ah, what must you have been thinking
when you realized the time had come for you

I wish I hadn't thrown away my time
on so much Human and so much less Divine
The end of the Last Temptation
The end of a Dime Store Mystery 

Ok...enough outward introspection...

Going to stop focusing on the eternal and tell you all my story, why I'm like how I am, what got me here. Just know that this is it for me...this is the way I'm going to be and that my purpose in this world has been realized in my opinion. My primary purpose was to be the only male of my generation to procreate another male who in turn did as well so Cam and Hendrix were my primary purpose followed up with the other end of the gene pool by my being there for Pop those last 8.5 years of his life in Arizona. I'm a genetic link between the past and future which is what it boils down to for all of us if we strip it all down and pull back and look at mankind in proper context. To do so just go out sometime away from city lights and lay down and look into the night sky. What you did for a living to get through your time here is immaterial, what kind of car you drove a joke, how big your house was or for that matter how big your dick was is all bullshit and totally irrelevant to the 1,000th power. So when I say I feel a great sense of pride in doing just those two things which continued the species two more generations while helping to ease the journey of the previous one is more than some people have accomplished so the fact that I'm 56 and "should" be thinking of retiring and then sitting around watching Mash reruns all day waiting to die is just plain whacked in my opinion. I'm here to do those two things and keep this genetic chain letter moving along and all the rest is just bullshit. Cynical? Jaded? Perhaps, or is it brutally honest and pragmatic? I say the later and you are free to call it anything you damned well please and I'll stand toe to toe with anyone who disagrees with me and fight anyone who says your wrong. We are all masters of our own reality and captains of our own vessels in this sea of human existence even if your's is fucked up as compared to mine. ;-) I'll still defend your right to have your own opinion. That's what my internal gyroscope tells me to do. We all were given one so we all know in our gut what's right and what's wrong....if we stay still a second, close our eyes to remove outside distractions. Every time I did something in my life that got me in trouble with the law I knew in my gut it was wrong. I just didn't care what some group of other beings thought was the line not to be crossed. I don't answer to you, nor do you answer to me! I didn't sign any contract at the time of birth stating that I agreed to follow any man made laws and I never intentionally harmed another human being or animal in my life and don't intend on doing so. I followed that gyroscope in my gut and even when I was caught driving 60 miles an hour above the man made speed limit out in the middle of the desert in the middle of the night with not a solitary soul out there other than some kid half my age who's job it is to sit out there alone all night in case somebody speeds/ Why? So "society" can get some money out of me. I never had an accident, was fully in control, enjoying the exhilaration I get by driving fast. I'll pay your fines or sit in traffic school which is a joke but you'll never ever get me to be remorseful for breaking your law. That's not God's law. No matter what or who you consider to be God, maybe no God at all if that's your choice, whomever it is for you not one of you can tell me your "God" said to you "thou shall not speed in the desert at night" so fuck your speed limits. I conscientiously object to them so there. What's that you say? I can only conscientiously object to going to war? Damn, too late I already volunteered to do that have was honorably discharged decades ago. If that means I'm "antisocial" then oh well, guess I'm "antisocial" then. I can live with that, why can't you? If you didn't have guys like me to pay fines there's be a lot less public services for you couch potato types out there who I'll label "hyper social" how that? Ok, 0k I know....get to the sex parts. I will so with out further adieu here is my story and I'm putting it out here mainly with the hope that some of you will feel a sense of affinity with something I write here and not feel like you're broken because you feel like that too. I've been the go to guy as far back as I can remember, at least as far back as 1st grade for sure. Ever since then thing have just come easy to me. I win radio call in contests, I win student elections, I get picked for special projects, I get A's and B's with never studying, I win in sports you name it. I'm one of those people that everyone pretty much likes or at least tolerates even though I have a classic in your face Type A personality. I hail from New York so toss that on top too yet I'm well accepted in all social circles, from the straight up hood to ballrooms and boardrooms. One of my early mentors told me "Kid? You got the gift of gab....things will always come easy for you!" I doubted him at the time but when reflecting back on my life now at the age of 56 I'll be damned if he wasn't right. He was also the one that gave me one particular piece of advise that I've pulled out of my bag of tricks more times than I care to admit but it was..."Walk into any room like you own it and more times than not you will." I've had a series of mentors through out my life beginning with my Dad who for someone who came from pretty much poverty in Altoona, PA during the Great Depression had a somewhat elitist attitude about him. We lived in a lower middle class neighborhood as he was very frugal so we were the "rich family" by comparison to the rest of the neighborhood but as a painfully thin white boy with glasses in a mixed blue collar neighborhood I had t0o come up with a set of survival skills pretty quick or get daily beat downs from kids half my age so I did just that. I found ways to be accepted and even lauded within the gang of delinquents who inhabited my hood. Being small and wire I was a natural to shimmy down through basement windows to then run up and unlock the door for the rest of the guys who would ransack the homes of people from the next neighborhood over as well as the first one boosted over a fence to retrieve lost softballs, footballs or Frisbee's. I had indeed found ways to make myself useful to the crowd so things went pretty easy for me while the rest in my age group got beat, ridiculed, harassed and robbed by the older guys pretty much as a daily matter of course so my "peers" were the tough guys that were a few years older than me so I did things they were doing only at a younger age. By the time I was 14 and hanging out with guys who were shaving, driving, drinking and had girlfriends I found a new way to make myself indispensable. I was their "test pilot" whenever they encountered a new type of booze or drug they had never tried. When this occurred they would feed me massive quantities of whatever substance they wanted go try and watch what happened to me before they tried it themselves. I thought this was great most of the time because I got really large amounts of substances for free but as Dr. Hunter S. Thompson so wisely observed: "The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." I can certainly qualify as an "edge explorer" from the age of 14 on to well, to this day if I'm honest with you and at this point there shouldn't be too many people to whom that should find shocking by any stretch of the imagination. I've been pulled over my cops more than once in my life that when queried as to what prompted them to detain me stated simply "You just looked bad". To this day, no matter how cleaned up I get, wearing an Armani suit with hair cut short and the finest luggage made I always get the "Ummm Sir could you please step out of line and place your bags on that table over there." when entering the security line at any airport. Some might say the creases in my face are like a road map of where my mind has travelled

Just love this song....

For Donna

I'll be your mirror Reflect what you are, in case you don't know I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset The light on your door to show that you're home When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you I find it hard to believe you don't know The beauty that you are But if you don't let me be your eyes A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you I'll be your mirror

Tonight I reunited with my 17 year old heart....39 years after I lost it.

Tonight I talked to the object of my teenage desires after nearly forty years and we laughed and cried for about three hours worth of text messaging where I confessed my secret to her. I even confessed about why I was always dropping pencils in any class we shared and we caught up on the events, triumphs and tragedies that we've both endured over the past four decades and I have to say that it was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life for it allowed me to feel my heart at 17 again, if only for a moment or two, if only in a brief connection with myself so long ago and far away down this rocky path I've been on so long I nearly had snuffed out every drop of simple, pure and innocent emotion out of what has long ago turned into a hardened, leathery, black and barely functional pump failing to keep up with all the junk that's been tossed into the aquarium of my soul.

What, if anything, becomes of it will be seen I guess but the first love of my life came back after forty years I'd like to think because her heart could sense mine was on it's last gasp and sputtering out into darkness forever as should be evident to any readers of earlier posts in this blog. This ship was listing hard to starbord and drowning in the murky green ooze of it's own self abuse all these years and our talk served to flip the switch back on to the pump and it's a little bit cleaner than it was yesterday and I got to feel that young, dumb and full of....you know...heart of my youth long forgotten but happily not gone (yet). I found this quote and now dedicate it to the first, young love of this aging old man's life....Lucille

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I found no rejection, I choose to love you in my dreams, for in my dreams no one owns you but me.

This is Hardcore

Ahhhh will be the death of me....

I spend all my money on a big ol' fancy car

For these bright eyed honeys

Oh yeah, you know who you are




Keep me up 'til the sun is high

'Til the birds start calling my name

I'm addicted and I don't know why

Guess I've always been this way




All these roads steer me wrong

But I still drive them all night long, all night long









All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You'll be the death of me, the death of me




All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I'll always come back to you, come back to you




I get lost under these lights

I get lost in the words I say

Start believing my own lies

Like everything will be okay




Oh, I still dream of a simple life

Boy meets girl, makes her his wife

But love don't exist when you live like this

That much I know, yes, I know




All these roads steer me wrong

But I still drive them all night long, all night long




All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You'll be the death of me, the death of me




All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I'll always come back to you, come back to you




You, you

You, you, you

Yeah, you, you, you

You, you, you




All you young wild girls

You make a mess of me

Yeah, you young wild girls

You'll be the death of me, the death of me




All you young wild girls

No matter what you do

Yeah, you young wild girls

I'll always come back to you, come back to you

Mose at 4:18 am....

If you would be so kind To help me find my mind I'd like to thank you in advance Know this before we start My soul's been torn apart I lost my mind in a wild romance. My future is my past, My memories will last, I've learned to love the days gone by. Each day that come and go Is like the one before My mind lost til' the day I die Words will fail me If I tried to describe her. Though I know she's not all She should have been. She was a devil with the face Of an angel She was sweet and cruel Cruel and sweet As homemade sin If you would be so kind To help me find my mind I'd like to thank you in advance Know this before we start My soul's been torn apart I lost my mind in a wild romance. I lost my mind in a wild romance.

The More Connected I Become The Further Apart I Feel....

'Till I Collapse from Eminem on Myspace.

About | The Life Cube

THE LIFE CUBE STORYThe Life Cube project comes to Downtown Las Vegas in February 2014, and will burn in a spectacular fire ceremony on Friday, March 21, 2014. Watch the Cube rise in the lot on Fremont and 9th Street, across from Atomic Liquors. It'll be
a walk-thru, interactive experience, with murals from local artists, write boards, dramatic lighting at night, and music performances!

THE LIFE CUBE PROJECT HAS TWO MISSIONS:1) Encouraging people to write down what they want to accomplish in their lives; and
2) Connecting art with community, involving as many people as possible!
Each year at Burning Man, we've designed and built collaborative art in the form of a "Life Cube" — each version
bigger, more artistic and more interactive with thousands of people sharing art and depositing their goals, dreams,
wishes and aspirations into the Cube, to be released into the universe as the Cube goes up in flames.
In 2012, I wrote down a wish to create a Life Cube installation in a city around the world. And a few months from
now we will be building a giant Life Cube on an entire city block in Downtown Las Vegas!
The Cube will be covered with murals and a tapestry of paintings by local students and artists, write boards for
interactive messaging, slots for dropping in written goals and wishes, and photographs of historic Las Vegas. It will
be filled with music on the weekends, and lit up at night like a rock concert. And after a month on site, we'll burn it all
in a fiery ceremony on March 21st, 2014.

About | The Life Cube

The Futility of Communication

More often than not I find that attempting to communicate with others is an exercise of futility when it comes to anything of an emotional or philosophical nature. They either aren't capable of the level of depth of emotion or thought or simply disinterested in attempting. I have learned the painful lesson that there are indeed worse things than being alone in this life.

You're Innocent When You Dream

The bats are in the belfry

the dew is on the moor

where are the arms that held me

and pledged her love before

and pledged her love before

Chorus:

It's such a sad old feeling

the fields are soft and green

it's memories that I'm stealing

but you're innocent when you dream

when you dream

you're innocent when you dream

Running through the graveyard

we laughed my friends and I

we swore we'd be together

until the day we died

until the day we died

Repeat chorus

I made a golden promise

that we would never part

I gave my love a locket

and then I broke her heart

and then I broke her heart

Read more: Tom Waits - Innocent When You Dream Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

How Much Longer? How Many More Times? How Do We Resolve This?

My ex and I are stuck on this merry-go-round of breaking up, me going to CA for a few weeks, no talking for as much as two weeks then the texts start, we miss each other, then I go back to AZ and we have a night or two then the anger, mediocrity, resentment and arguing start and rapidly increase until there is a major blowup and I take off for CA again...lather, rinse, repeat.

Over two years of this pattern now.

Sunsets Change To Sunrises and I Move Again

Monday is  New Year's Eve and the new year will see me moving from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA to Las Vegas, NV, the place I've always felt pulling me but I've feared as a highly likely place of my final demise from my tendency to embrace life on the outside edge of the rails at high speeds. I say WTF and what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger and I can think of no place else which will challenge me to the max and can be my biggest challenge to concur yet so it's on come Tuesday!

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• Sunsets and Sunrises!