Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Couldn't Say It any Better....

When I fell from grace
I never realized
how deep the flood was around me.

A man whose life was toil
was like a kettle left to boil,
and the water left scars on me.

I know now who I am.
If only for a while,
I recognize the changes.

I feel like I did before the
magic wore thin and the "baptism
of stains" began.

They used to say I was
nowhere, man,
heading down
was my destiny.

But yesterday, I swear,
that was someone else not me.

Here I stand at the crossroads edge,
afraid to reach out for eternity,
One step, when I look down,
I see someone else not me.

Looking back and I see
someone else.

All my life they said I
was going down,
but I'm still standing,
stronger, proud.

And today I know there's
so much more I can be.

From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
there's a path leading out to sea.

And from somewhere
deep in my mind,
sirens sing out loud
songs of doubt
as only they know how.

But one glance back reminds, and I see,
someone else not me.

I keep looking back
at someone else... me?

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Madness That Keeps on Giving...

I'm just trying to stay straight and get back to living life and I keep getting pulled into the insanity of others who are out there still out there doing what they do and I have to change my cell phone number again. The ones I stated earlier that weren't calling are now blowing up my phone with this drama or that drama that I'm expected to fix for them. The sad part of it is that there are many innocent people in their lives (kids, parents, spouces etc...) that are caught up in their loved one's insanity that will be hurt if I don't intercede but for me not to would seriously put myself at risk at many levels and I just have to let the chips fall where they may. I sure didn't give any of these folks their first blast and I can't do anything to take away their last...

I Lock Myself In At Nightfall...

So last Sunday I graduated my fellowship program at The Center for Progressive Leadership and flipped right into my 12 week substance abuse treatment program at the VA Hospital the following day...talk about polar opposites...such has been my life for 39 years. I'm pretty much physically detoxed off my 6 month run back into the depths of insanity and demoralization and while the insanity part has subsided the demoralization has gotten far worse as snippets of what I did, with whom I did it with and where I did it pops into conscious memory.

I won't elaborate further as it serves no purpose to do so but let's just say I'm one blessed man for having escaped relatively unscathed and I lock my doors at night more to keep myself in than anyone else out.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Pulling back on the stick full force....

The nosedive of my relapse into my addictions has me pulling back on the stick so hard I've bent the fugger...my landing gear was sheared off by the treetops and I've had to jettison the spare fuel tanks but as they careen into the deck I find myself pulling up and out of the dive with their explosive flames blackening my tail.

I can see a speck of blue sky through the flames, smoke and tree branches stuck to my canopy....it was a close one...the closest yet in this 39 year long dogfight and I've yet to access the flack damage yet I feel the engine sputtering back to life and I am once again heading in an upward trajectory...

I have returned to the fight...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Shadows of Existence

So today is my birthday...my fifty first. It's a beautiful day meteorlogically and metaphorically speaking and I am alive, clean, sober, unincarcerated, have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, have a car in the driveway and so forth....so on...blah, blah.
Think I'll stop at that....and think of all of those who have none of those....