Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Like the Clash song of the same title as this post I find myself in a quandry over deciding to stay here in Phoenix or to return to California and go back to work in real estate with an old partner and friend of over 20 years. This is a very dear friend of mine who's more like a brother to me than my own biological brothers but also one of dubious moral character. I don't say that in a mean spirited way at all for, if anything, I encouraged, aided and abetted him in most of the illicit behaviors and nameless activities the two of us embarked upon for a great number of years during the late 80's through the late 90's and in fact he was the "stable" one of the duo always having to get up in the middle of the night to bail me out of jail after I had poured him into bed passed out cold, swiped a few c-notes out of his money clip and stolen his car and sped off into the night to places, people and activities that wind a person in jail....and rightly so!

Now that I've been released from probation and am free to leave the state there is an opportunity to return to California to rebuild the real estate consulting firm that I founded in 1990 and later turned over to this partner in 1996 when I moved up to Northern CA to work with my biological brother on his vineyard/winery which I did for seven years along with my vintage guitar business. I had also become involved with a woman up there in what would prove to be the longest relationship of  of my life (to date).. Then in the fall of 2002 my father suffered a stroke that left him partially parylyzed at the age of 80 and I dropped everything to come to Phoenix to care for him for what I thought was to be a mattter of a few months that was to turn out to be the next 6 years of my life. I have chronicled much of those years in this blog....

A Caregiver's Silence

This blog is really the precursor to A Divine Catharsis and since I've closed that chapter in my life and picked it up here I thought it only fitting that I link it back here for continuity's sake. Between the two blogs any reader(s) gets a fairlly detailed look at the past seven years of my life leading up to my current situation.

Blank Canvas....

Today was the first day in 34 years that I have not been under some form of govermental control, either in the military, incarcerated, in a court ordered facility of some variety or on probation. The last time I could say that I was 17 and I'm now 51. I'm 42 days clean and sober, unemployed, near broke, have 15 teeth left and soon to be homeless and living on the street or in a shelter and it really doesn't upset me all that much. I've been through so much in my life that nothing really gets me ruffled...I'll figure something out. My life is like this blank canvas I've been staring at all day...today was a very good day!

Just watched this again...

God, I sound like my brother...

Supplies dwindling and the elevator has reached the basement...

I sit here in the urban abode on a pleasant autumn afternoon taking stock of my current situation, which, at first glance (or even second or third) is bleak, dismal and disparate if not rapidly approaching desperate. By all logical accounts I "should" be laying in a ball in the corner in an absolute anxiety attack not unlike this rubber band ball I toss around for Juliet. I am unemployed, got a can of soup, half a box of crackers, some koolaid, a dozen or so tea bags, some bouillon cubes and a carton and a half of smokes, maybe fifty bucks and a quarter tank of gas in my borrowed '94 Geo and no clue where my next buck is coming from.

Facefuck (book) just obliterated two years worth of my work in one *blip* earlier this week but I remain optomistic to a point where I'm questioning my sanity but since they turned me away at the psych ward last month when I tried to check myself in I guess I'm not crazy either....damn! So what is it? Why am I not freaking out? Is it a "I've been down so long it looks like up to me" sort of manifestation? Perhaps. There most certainly is some sort of conditioning to adverse situations at play for I am no stranger to life behind the eightball to put it lightly. *ahem*

I guess it's a matter of faith more or less; although, I'm not exactly a religious man by any stretch of the imagination. I sit here writing  this as a homeless man is pushing a shopping cart past my window and would be willing to bet he has more money in his pocket than I do yet there is a difference between us.

I received the official release from probation in the mail this week and I am now free to leave and go anywhere in the world I so choose and have my current passport right here yet I've committed to myself to complete the twelve week substance abuse program at the VA and I will complete that four days before my lease expires on this house but I have nowhere I'd rather be...not at this point at least.

So...today is a good day and the rest will fall into place as it would anyway so I'll spare myself the panic attack and have a cup of delicious beef bouillon (*cheers*)!

The Evolution Revolution Continues

So yesterday my primary Facebook account was deleted by Facebook with no warning or explanation. Over two years of intensive work flushed in an instant. Over 4,100 friends gone, a dozen or so groups and fan pages gone, all my causes, blogs, notes, applications, events and posts vanished before my eyes in an instant....*blip*

It may come back up, it may not...

I'm not depressed, not stressing, not freaking, not drinking or using...have food to eat and a place to sleep.

Today is a good day...

Free To Soar....

I just came back from my monthly meeting with my probation officer and she informed me that as of last Friday 10/02/09 the judge signed off on my release from felony (possession) probation and that effective at 12:01 am on 10/17/09 I will be a free man. This will be the first time in 34 years or since I was 17 that I will not be either in the military, incarcerated or under some form of court order or other governmental control and that I will be able to petition the court to have my felony conviction reduced to a misdomeanor and fully restore my civil rights!

Today is a very good day indeed!

Thirty Days In The Hole

Today is the real thirty days clean off meth for me. Some of you may think I'm off on my math but this is the honest date as I did not stay clean even this past time until just prior to entering the intensive outpatient program at the VA Hospital of which I am still in and will remain until mid-December. I am now physically feeling much better although my appetite has yet to kick back in full force and my sleep patterns are still off kilter. My body still seems to need 10-12 hours of sleep per night. Mentally I'm doing better but am prone to severe bouts of depression, shame, remorse and anxiety attacks. My focus is coming back and I'm able to concentrate on one (dozen) task(s) at a time...my "normal" mind seems to have always been a "multi-tasker" so this is a vast improvement over the way it was misfiring a month ago. Financially, I'm still a total mess but I am not homeless(yet) and I'm working daily to improve that as well but for now, I'm letting those chips fall as they may...life is good!