I sit here in the urban abode on a pleasant autumn afternoon taking stock of my current situation, which, at first glance (or even second or third) is bleak, dismal and disparate if not rapidly approaching desperate. By all logical accounts I "should" be laying in a ball in the corner in an absolute anxiety attack not unlike this rubber band ball I toss around for Juliet. I am unemployed, got a can of soup, half a box of crackers, some koolaid, a dozen or so tea bags, some bouillon cubes and a carton and a half of smokes, maybe fifty bucks and a quarter tank of gas in my borrowed '94 Geo and no clue where my next buck is coming from.
Facefuck (book) just obliterated two years worth of my work in one *blip* earlier this week but I remain optomistic to a point where I'm questioning my sanity but since they turned me away at the psych ward last month when I tried to check myself in I guess I'm not crazy either....damn! So what is it? Why am I not freaking out? Is it a "I've been down so long it looks like up to me" sort of manifestation? Perhaps. There most certainly is some sort of conditioning to adverse situations at play for I am no stranger to life behind the eightball to put it lightly. *ahem*
I guess it's a matter of faith more or less; although, I'm not exactly a religious man by any stretch of the imagination. I sit here writing this as a homeless man is pushing a shopping cart past my window and would be willing to bet he has more money in his pocket than I do yet there is a difference between us.
I received the official release from probation in the mail this week and I am now free to leave and go anywhere in the world I so choose and have my current passport right here yet I've committed to myself to complete the twelve week substance abuse program at the VA and I will complete that four days before my lease expires on this house but I have nowhere I'd rather be...not at this point at least.
So...today is a good day and the rest will fall into place as it would anyway so I'll spare myself the panic attack and have a cup of delicious beef bouillon (*cheers*)!